Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Seek, and Ye Shall Find What Google’s Algorithm Deems Worthy

with 2 comments

Forget Google Desktop™. I need Google Kitchen™. Or Google House™.

With the sophistication of Google’s algorithm, not only could I find the implements and consumables that I need amid the clutter, the software would even offer suggestions for alternatives if the object of my desire (no offense intended, Mrs. Thag) is nowhere to be found. Forgive me for subjecting you to a purely text-based experience of this idea, but when it comes to the skills required to reproduce the Google Search user interface, mine are slightly inferior to those of the late Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts).

Some people do not need such a tool. My mother-in-law, for example, alphabetizes her spice rack. That’s not unreasonable at all; but she also – and I say this with all the love and respect that her most loyal son-in-law can possibly offer – does the same thing with the individual spice containers sitting in her cupboard.I cannot pretend to such mad organization skillz. I must harness technology if I am to run a kitchen even half as efficient as hers.

But this technology possesses potential far greater than mere location of needed household objects. We all appreciate the benefits of putting “the other mitten” into the search bar and having Google show us the dumpster into which it was accidentally tossed two days before, which of course has since been emptied several times. The true greatness of this software lies in its ability to suggest alternatives when our search terms leave much to be desired. If you search for “clean sucks,” Google will instead display the results for “clean socks,” which would suit most users better.

So take that one step further and combine it with an existing Google feature: a default censor for search results – not in the typical sense of filtering our adult content, but in a much more practical sense of helping you, for example, maintain a dietary regimen. Input “ice cream” and the results will show nothing – and Google will ask whether you meant “lowfat yogurt.” “Stacked corned beef on rye” will produce results with links to the location of sprouts and goat cheese on Wasa crackers.

Which is not to say that you couldn’t work adult-oriented content into the equation. “My son’s hidden porn stash” might no longer, in this digital age, direct you to underneath your teenager’s mattress, but it still might point you to the offending directories in whatever computer gadget he abuses for the purpose of accessing and storing the material. You could then have the classic, awkward conversation about respecting women and whatever that never gets anywhere with any male under the age of twenty-three.

So I’d love to take this idea further, but Google, ironically, is no help. I shouldn’t be surprised. They’ve never helped me find the Any key, either.

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Written by Thag

September 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Pretty funny stuff!

    John

    September 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm


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