Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

At the Tone, the Time Will Be Ten Minutes Later than You Thought

with 2 comments

Time Scheduled Activity Actual Activity
6:30 AM Wake up; get children dressed for school Misread watch as 5:30 instead of 6:30
7:00 AM Serve breakfast; pack lunches Wake up with a start; panic; haphazardly pack children into clothes and yell lungs out in comically futile attempt to get seven-year-old ready on time
7:15 AM Send 2 older children to catch school bus Shove older children out of the house bodily, each one holding a handful of corn flakes and a half-open schoolbag with messily prepared peanut butter sandwiches made in five seconds flat
7:30 AM Clear away remaining breakfast dishes; pack up 2 younger children for day care/preschool Discover how far two-year-old can fling unwanted corn flakes and milk when left alone for 0.00003 seconds by otherwise occupied parent
7:50 AM Drop off four-year-old at preschool Finally find the missing shoe that kept four-year-old from being ready to leave
8:00 AM Drop off two-year-old at day care Arrive at four-year-old’s preschool; realize she forgot her stuff at home
8:10 AM Return home; eat leisurely breakfast, peruse news headlines Practically throw two-year-old into caregiver’s arms and run back home to fetch four-year-old’s forgotten stuff
8:30 AM Begin workday from home office Return home sweaty, exhausted and frustrated at the day’s inauspicious beginning
9:00 AM Scheduled visit from washing machine technician Wolf down breakfast of corn flakes and the remaining tablespoon of milk from the bottom of the carton
9:50 AM Send plumber or technician on his merry way; put in load of laundry Finish surfing web for now; make half-hearted attempt to work
10:00 AM Resume work Wonder whether  washing machine technician was supposed to come today
10:45 AM Chat with spouse online; plan dinner Finally remember that technician was supposed to come between 9 and 10
11:30 AM Take short break to move laundry to dryer Call technician to find out what seems to be the problem; discover he thought he was supposed to come tomorrow
12:30 PM Lunch break Finish yelling at technician; lunch break
1:00 PM Resume work Remember that little maintenance project that’s been waiting around
2:00 PM Pick up little ones from day care/preschool Finally hit a groove in work
2:10 PM Arrive home from pickup Receive call from preschool/daycare personnel investigating possibility of pickup
2:15 PM Snack time for four-year-old; nap time for two-year-old Sprint to preschool, daycare; arrive home sweaty, exhausted and frustrated at inauspicious continuation of day
2:25 PM Settle four-year-old in quiet activity; resume work Fail at getting two-year-old down for a nap; fail to please four-year-old with selection of snack
3:45 PM Greet older children upon their arrival home from school; two-year-old wakes up; serve snacks Explode in anger as older 2 children arrive home at maximum volume and deposit their school bags smack dab in the middle of the front hallway
4:00 PM Older children begin homework Take refuge in office as arrival of older children somehow distracts younger children from the fact that they are miserable and they wish to blame that on a parent
4:02 PM Spouse calls; finalized dinner details Bench-clearing brawl among children
4:30 PM Spouse arrives home; homework finished; dinner preparation begins Spouse arrives home, inquires why older children have not begun homework
5:00 PM Relaxed review of day’s events with each member of family Discover there’s nothing in the house with which to make a reasonable dinner
5:15 PM Serve dinner Fend off children’s clamoring for Pizza Hut delivery; threaten no pizza ever again if whining continues
5:45 PM Begin clearing dinner Call Pizza Hut
6:00 PM Run bath for younger children Play referee; discover two-year-old and four-year-old have fallen asleep
6:20 PM Remove children from bathtub; get them ready for bedtime Receive pizza delivery; participate in sickening display of gluttony
6:30 PM Help seven-year-old shower Rush seven-year-old into shower for token bit of hurried cleaning
6:40 PM Notify ten-year-old of shower availability; choose book for reading to other three children Try to calm and feed now-awake and intensely grumpy toddler and preschooler while arguing heatedly with ten-year-old whether it’s his turn to shower
7:00 PM Kiss smaller children goodnight; remind ten-year-old to brush and floss on his way to bed Remind ten-year-old to shower
7:10 PM Finish cleanup from dinner Remind ten-year-old to shower
7:30 PM Plan next day with spouse; prepare lunches Inform ten-year-old that showering usually features actual water and soap
8:00 PM Resume work Give faces and arms of toddler and preschooler a cursory wipe; shove said children in bed and pray they stay there
8:45 PM Take break to joke with spouse Send various children back to bed for the seventh time
9:30 PM Finish work; watch old M*A*S*H episode with spouse Confirm that ten-year-old has indeed showered
10:00 PM Get ready for bed Start blog post
10:30 PM Sweet, sweet slumber Restart blog post; repeat as necessary; in desperation, dash off something perfunctory of marginal wittiness that’s still somehow ten times better than most of the crap out there

Written by Thag

September 17, 2011 at 10:06 pm

2 Responses

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  1. That’s great! Just another typical day, right?


    September 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    • Well, no. Typically, I don’t get to do any work at all.


      September 18, 2011 at 7:12 am

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