Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Objection! Your Honor, the Defendant Is Wiping Boogers on the Table

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To: Ms. Sally Seppuku
From: P. Lionel  Throckmorton, Esq.

Subject: Your behavior towards my client in preschool

Dear Ms. Seppuku:

I have been retained as attorney by Ms. Melanie Saggypants, your classmate at the Elmer J. Figlicker Preschool. My client wishes to inform you that unless you cease and desist from a series of unwarranted and undesired behaviors, she will have no choice but to terminate unilaterally your relationship as “best friends.” The list of behaviors includes, but is not limited to, the following:

1. Saving a seat at snack time for that poopyhead Arthur.

2. Hogging the violet (purple) Crayola™ crayon.

3. Refusing to allow my client to cut into the line for recess ahead of you, insisting instead that she cut in back of you.

4. Being a know-it-all about which colors mix together to make orange and pink.

5. Always getting to the red-haired doll first, which everyone knows is the prettiest, and not letting anyone else hold it no matter how many times they promise to be your best friend.

6. Holding the scissors with your left hand. It’s just wrong. Only weirdos use lefty scissors.

7. Bringing gross sandwiches for lunch, such as pesto or mozzarella cheese, or anything that is not peanut butter and jelly.

8. Mixing the different colors of Play Doh together.

9. Making a big deal about being one of the only kids in the class who knows how to color inside the lines.

10. Other corroded behaviors that my client reserves the right to specify at a later date.

Should these behaviors not cease entirely by the thirtieth of this month, my client will be compelled to withdraw the “best friends” status that has heretofore characterized the relationship. Such a step would have consequences including, but not limited to, the following:

1. No more spontaneous availability for play dates.

2. No more sharing of junky snacks.

3. No more sharing of shoes, socks and clothes.

4. Finding other classmates with whom to sing nonsense songs over and over and over and over again until a grown-up yells at us.

My client and I anticipate your cooperation in this matter.


P. Lionel Throckmorton, Esq.


Written by Thag

September 12, 2011 at 8:28 pm

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