Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Final Exam in Blogging Like a Clueless Loser, Part Two

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Part One here.

Section II – Reading Comprehension

Nicely written, but you haven’t taken into account alternative points of view. With practice you can get better, but I can already see your potential.

1. The above selection:

(a) Is clearly a spam comment.
(b) Sounds like it was written by a high school junior.
(c) Will fool only about 00000.1% of bloggers into thinking it is genuine and worthy of clicking on to visit the comment-submitting bot’s client site.
(d) Despite its ineffectiveness on bloggers with actual brains, will nevertheless take in a sufficient number of idiots to make the practitioners of link spam continue to engage in the practice.
(e) Is still more grammatically and rhetorically sound than the vast majority of other blogs out there.

2. Upon receiving notification that the above selection awaits your moderation, you:

(a) Silently hope that the perpetrator of this waste of your time and hope loses most of his limbs in a painful industrial accident.
(b) Realize that such a person would have no marketable skills after such an accident, and be driven to pursue a career doing more of the same.
(c) Try to come up with a worthwhile use of such people, and arrive only at the conclusion that they could be used as ballast.
(d) Consider that employing them as ballast would take decent jobs away from far worthier inanimate objects.
(e) Wish you could meet the composer of the drivel and pound some humanity into him/her using a two-by-four.

Oh, nice. There are some other good blog posts about this, here (link) and here: (link). I hope you like it.

3. The person who submitted this comment:

(a) Is just as much an attention whore as you.
(b) Is a bigger attention whore than you.
(c) Exemplifies why all other bloggers should just shut up and let you have your say.
(d) Is engaging in traffic-baiting in distastefully forward ways to which you would never resort. At least not today.
(e) Is actually you engaging in even more distasteful attempts to generate additional clicks.

Excellent.

4. Your actual response to the above comment will involve words of gratitude. Your internal response, however, is:

(a) “Of course.”
(b) “Thanks, but I knew that.
(c) “Well, duh.”
(d) “Who,  brilliant little me?”
(e) “Oh, that was helpful. If it’s so excellent, why aren’t you sharing it with all your friends and family on Facebook, you inconsiderate little twit? What am I, just some abstract generator of material provided at no charge for your amusement? Don’t you think you could take the extra three seconds to afford me some well-deserved attention for this ‘excellent’ work? Bastard.”

5. Despite your bitter reaction to the comment, you:

(a) Hope to generate more fatuous comments from this anonymous reader, since at least it amounts to a bit of attention.
(b) Notice a growing sense of gratitude and appreciation for the perfunctory attention, offset by a growing sense of annoyance with your supposed friends and family who claim they love your blog but never actually do anything to help it.
(c) Reciprocate by commenting on the blog of the submitter in such a way that your smug sense of superiority is only barely masked.
(d) Read and reread the comment, reliving the moment you discovered you got someone’s attention in a positive way for even just a few seconds.
(e) Fantasize about the submitter actually being someone powerful and influential, and who is this close to giving you your big break. Moron.

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Written by Thag

September 6, 2011 at 10:42 pm

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