Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Your Final Exam in Blogging Like a Clueless Loser, Part One

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Please read all exam instructions before proceeding.

This Advanced Placement exam in Blogging Like a Clueless Loser is designed to test your ability to write and maintain a web log, or blog. You are not required to use the entire two hours, but it is recommended that you use all the time you feel necessary to ensure you have given proper answers. Leftover time may be used to review your exam before you submit it. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY YOU STOP TAKING THE EXAM TO CHECK YOUR VISITOR STATS.

Section I – Multiple Choice

1. Your blog attracts an average of twelve users per day. Because you want more traffic, you:

(a) Mope and curse the manifest unfairness of the universe.
(b) Complain to anyone who will listen.
(c) Go through some perfunctory motions such as commenting on maybe two other blogs before deciding the exercise is a waste of time, and goddamn it, your talent should merit recognition without you having to call attention to it like some cheap salesman.
(d) Experience a bizarre giddiness every time the visitor stats edge up above thirty.
(e) All of the above.

2. Your significant other objects to the amount of time you spend holed up with your computer ostensibly blogging. You:

(a) Impatiently explain that you view your blog as a career, and would appreciate that he or she accord it the same weight as one that currently pays.
(b) Further elaborate that you’re only doing this for both of you, so that one day, when the big breakthrough comes, you’ll both be better off and have fewer financial worries.
(c) Strongly imply that any interference or disruption of your creative process will have an adverse effect on your writing and therefore, of course, on your relationship.
(d) Promise to try to use your time more efficiently; fail because you just don’t operate that way.
(e) All of the above.

3. One of your posts has been shared on Facebook. This causes you to:

(a) Think the post might be going viral.
(b) Wonder why it’s taking so long for the post to go viral.
(c) Console yourself with the thought that it might take a little while for the post to go viral.
(d) Silently curse the anonymous referred visitors from Facebook for not sharing further and granting you the acclaim you so clearly deserve.
(e) Loudly curse the not-necessarily-anonymous referred visitors from Facebook for not sharing further and granting you the acclaim you so clearly deserve.

4. You check your visitor statistics:

(a) Every half hour.
(b) Every six minutes.
(c) Every forty-five seconds.
(d) After every paragraph of the article you’re reading in a different browser tab.
(e) Only as often as you blink.

5. Bots often leave false referral records on your site to get you to click on the referral link and generate traffic for that site. The operators of those bots should be:

(a) Sliced about the face and neck with razor blades, then dropped in a vat of lemon juice.
(b) Forced to spend time with your least favorite neighbors and relatives.
(c) Locked in a closet with speakers that play nothing but Barry Manilow songs over and over and over again.
(d) Stricken with month-long dysentery and access only to chili pepper toilet paper.
(e) All of the above.

6. Your idea of an ideal Saturday night involves:

(a) Knocking off a quick blog post that generates oodles of traffic and comments that confirm your high opinion of your work.
(b) Time away from the computer for investing in non-keyboard-mediated relationships.
(c) Wait, what was that last choice?
(d) Are you out of your mind?
(e) OK, whatever, dude.

7. Breakfast:

(a) Can wait until after I check my stats again.
(b) Is eaten at the computer, with as few drips as possible getting onto the keyboard.
(c) Wait, did I have breakfast? I don’t remember – I was too busy blogging.
(d) Oh, right, I had a bowl of cornflakes.
(e) No, that can’t be right; we ran out of those yesterday, and I’ve been at the computer instead of going shopping. Weird.

8. The best fodder for a blog post is:

(a) Exaggerated interactions from real life.
(b) Exaggerated political screeds.
(c) Exaggerated satirical opinion pieces.
(d) Exaggerated recollections from childhood.
(e) Exaggerated confidence in exaggeration to provide good fodder for a blog post.

9. If forced by circumstances not to blog for several days, you would:

(a) Furtively check for opportunities to get online.
(b) Constantly check for opportunities to get online.
(c) Desperately check for opportunities to get online.
(d) Hysterically check for opportunities to get online.
(e) Violently check for opportunities to get online.

10. After regaining access to your blog following an extended absence, you will discover:

(a) That no one missed you.
(b) That you are moved to explain your absence, even though no one missed you.
(c) That you refuse to believe no one missed you.
(d) That you will try to avoid future absences if only to avoid confronting again the fact that while you were gone, no one missed you.
(e) A certain creative freedom in the absence of expectations from people who would have missed you, coupled with the soul-sucking knowledge that while you were gone, no one missed you.

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Written by Thag

September 5, 2011 at 10:04 pm

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