Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Chocolate Mutiny

with one comment

Dear Brain,

Stomach here. I know you’re the one in charge of managing input, and I’m just here to take what you decide to have Mouth ingest. But for a day and a half now, I haven’t received even a morsel of chocolate cake, and not a bite of Pringles. Something has changed around here, and I’m not comfortable with it.

I’m suffering here, you know, and you have not adequately explained the sudden change in intake policy. I’ve gotten used to a steady supply of chocolate ice cream, brownies, cookies and similarly nourishing items over the last few decades, and to abruptly alter this regimen to exclude them is to cause me undue stress. For the first few waking hours without so much as a frosted cupcake I restrained myself, but the situation has become so desperate that I cannot but unleash this plea for help: GET ME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES OR A CHEESE DANISH BEFORE I GO INSANE.

I assure you I am not alone in these sentiments. Intestines – Small and Large – have also noted the absence of adequately fatty and greasy goodness, and are equally troubled, if not more so, by this phenomenon. Our collective digestive powers were developed and nurtured for more than mere carrot sticks and celery. Even the yogurt you have grudgingly let Mouth take in is of the low fat variety, with such pitiful quantities of granola mixed in that it might as well not be there in the first place.

And while we’re on the subject, could you please stop allowing the Hands to put chewing gum in Mouth? Mouth’s chewing activity makes it awfully moist down here when there’s nothing to digest, and that just makes my system go haywire. It takes all the concentration I can muster to keep my acid glands from overproducing. We don’t want a repeat of three years ago, when that bacterial infection nearly caused an ulcer. That wasn’t a happy time for any of us, I need not remind you.

But really, the gut punch here is this new deprivation regimen you seem to have embarked on. I have no doubt you are confident in the benefits of consuming only foods you deem “healthful” or have the magic “antioxidants” or whatever other faddish terminology du jour you come across. But let’s be honest, Brain: nothing comes close to the bliss, the utter pleasure this entire body gets from a decadently thick slab of Thag’s chocolate cake with mocha frosting. You know what I mean: the two layers of amazingly moist yet fluffy cake with just the right blend of cocoa, coffee and sweetness. That’s right, swallow that saliva – I know you’re listening when you react like that.

Come on, Brain. You know how good it makes you feel. Just ease over to the fridge and slice a chunk of that heavenly cake. Mmm-hmm, baby. You know it. Feel that chocolate Nirvana taste…let it slide down Throat and into my waiting tissue. You like that, don’t you? Of course you do. What kind of fool were you to think of abstaining from such experiences?

You want more, don’t you ? Of course you do; there’s the entire rest of the cake just sitting there, beckoning.

Oh, by the way, if Large Intestine complains about this later, it was all your fault.

Your buddy,



Written by Thag

September 1, 2011 at 4:22 pm

One Response

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  1. This post is just so full of win. Chocolate withdrawal is the worst. =[


    September 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm

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