Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How I Tried to Ruin Thursday Night’s Dinner Party

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1. Left staircase unblocked so visiting toddler could tumble down stone steps to basement and crash into precariously stacked heavy items.

2. Managed to get fingertip of right thumb caught in mechanical corkscrew. This resulted in: flirtation with passing out (my brain cannot handle blood or the mere prospect of serious injury – when I took the two-year-old for a blood test a week ago, he barely reacted, while I felt woozy); incapacity to serve or otherwise interact with guests, leaving spouse to assume those duties and ride herd on the children; and the cumulative realization of just how unevolved I feel without the use of my opposable thumb.

3. Seated guests in exactly the wrong way, resulting in crescendoing drama as various elements of the visiting clan vied for position at the same table as the guests of honor. The simmering tension was defused only through the deft ministrations of someone who was clearly not me.

4. Left doors and windows just open enough to allow mosquitoes in, but not quite open enough to allow cool evening air in.

5. Nearly allowed guests to help clear or serve; this threatened our sense of order and the kitchen-dining-room traffic pattern (the bottleneck near Mrs. Thag’s seat is a perennial trouble spot).

6. Wrongly assumed that people would arrive within an hour of the announced start time.

7. Allowed other people near the fudge (MINE! MINE! NO TOUCH!)

8. Let ten-year-old sit out of direct parental sight, enabling him to serve himself some wine.

9. Set the kids’ table with the Dry Clean Only tablecloth.

10. Bought only cheap wine to serve (some inconsiderate guest actually brought a bottle of stupendous 2007 Cabernet. Ah, well).

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Written by Thag

August 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

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