Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Our Concern for Our Citizens Is Measured in Decibels

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Dear Mr. Thag:

Thank you for writing to us to express your displeasure with the late-night outdoor concert near your home. It is only thanks to concerned citizens such as you that we at City Hall can monitor our efforts to make your life miserable. We find it heartening that the events we arrange cause enough trouble to generate a reaction.

As we explained in a response to your previous complaint after a similar event several months ago, we selected the park near your home when the police refused to issue approval for an alternative, more distant park. In this case, we did not bother trying to find an alternative venue, having already established that the park nearest your home provides the ideal combination of disruptive noise and aggravating traffic tie-ups.

In contrast to the the previous concert about which you submitted a grievance, this one took place on a Saturday night, necessitating that the equipment and barriers be in place during the day. This scheduling allowed us to both occupy large swaths of the green space, rendering one of the only such sizable areas in the city unavailable for recreation on a day with some of the heaviest park traffic, and to block off the playground almost entirely.

An additional consideration involved your status as a resident of the city as opposed to a tourist; we try to impress tourists with our amenities and welcoming atmosphere, and the alternative venues were much closer to several luxury hotels. We remain reluctant to subject such economy-boosters to such a cacophony when they wish to rest. But you, the tax-paying resident, are already heavily invested in staying in the city, and we cannot justify expending assets and effort on your behalf when you’ll probably just vote us out at the end of our terms no matter what we accomplish.

Regarding your concern for the welfare of your young children, and those of other neighborhood families, spare us. Young children don’t even pay taxes, so why should we care about them? As it is, our neglect of the school system should have already clued you in to our manifest lack of feeling for the under-eighteen set. Trying to appeal to our sense of empathy for such parasites is not the way to induce us to do anything.

But thank you again for your feedback. Without the involvement of citizens such as you we would have no idea how well we are doing in our mission to make young families abandon this city. We would much rather play host to transient students and hippies who bring infusions of their parents’ cash instead of trying to drain our coffers with constant demands for improved infrastructure and actual responsiveness from the municipality.

If there is anything more we can do to piss you off, please let us know. Until then, we remain,

Your Municipal Officials


Written by Thag

August 21, 2011 at 11:54 am

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