Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Doctor Is Just in It for the Money – Administer Your Own Chemotherapy

with 2 comments

Since you’re always looking for ways to save time and space – not to mention keep things organized – we’re here to offer you the most amazing ideas, items and techniques so ingenious you’ll wonder why no one has ever developed them before! Each of them is the greatest thing since sliced pepperoni!

1. You might use your mobile device much more than your computer, but for certain tasks you still need a good old desktop. Sometimes, though, you need to scrawl a quick set of reminders related to your work, and you need a place to stick them in plain view. To fill just that need, just use a simple magnet that will adhere to the outside of your computer to hold in place the notes you so urgently need. No more Post-It™ notes getting stuck in embarrassing places – just you, your magnet and your disposable note paper, stuck right on the CPU tower where you can see it.

2. Every parent fears lice infestations, but not every parent knows what to do when the little ones come home with littler ones inhabiting their scalps. Toxic creams and shampoos might help, but they’re hell on the eyes and just plain dangerous. One popular remedy has the parent smearing vegetable shortening in the kid’s hair to trap the lice, then extracting the bugs and nits more easily. But why wait till little Geraldine comes home with those unwanted guests? Pre-emptively smear Crisco™ on your darling and send her off to school or camp pre-treated in case they need a good combing!

3. With electricity generation dependent mainly on fossil fuels, the environmentally conscious among us are looking for cleaner ways to function. But we still need to dry our clothes after laundering them. With our revolutionary new product, you can bypass the coal-fired electricity and take advantage of clean, renewable solar energy: simply attach each end of the weatherproof cord at a convenient height, and drape the wet laundry over it. In bright sunlight your clothes will dry noiselessly!

4. Cracking eggs can be a pain and time-consuming, especially trying to make sure no shell pieces get into the food. So when you get a few minutes, crack some eggs and store them in individual containers in the fridge. If you leave them uncovered, then after a couple of days they don’t even make a mess when they accidentally get knocked over!

5. Cut out the middle man: when you prepare chicken, just toss the white meat directly to the raccoons as soon as you get home. Save yourself the trouble of cooking it, and them the trouble of digging through your trash to get it.

6. Ants are persistent creatures; it’s hard to find a permanent, practical way to keep them from invading your home. So burn down your house and forget about the little buggers.

7. Online security and the safety of our personal information are important to all of us. You’re at lower risk of identity theft if you sell off all your assets and ruin your credit rating before anyone else can do so.

8. Dogs don’t clean up after themselves only because they haven’t been trained properly; a dog can be taught to do almost anything, especially the larger breeds. It’s just that their owners are lazy. Next time you encounter a dog going about its excretory business without so much as a plastic bag in attendance, rub the owner’s nose in the pile. Otherwise they won’t learn.

9. Quitting smoking can be tougher than quitting heroin. But if you cut off all your fingers, it’ll be tougher to keep smoking. You heard it here first.

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Written by Thag

August 14, 2011 at 9:17 pm

2 Responses

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  1. There are lots of ways to quit smoking but there aren’t a whole lot of ways to make sure you don’t go back…except for #9

    The City Slacker

    August 15, 2011 at 1:50 am

    • I’d type a reply, but I’m missing all my fingers.

      Thag

      August 15, 2011 at 7:20 am


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