Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How to Tell Whether You Have Become a Boxing Referee or Parent

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Boxing Referee

Parent

Makes sure both fighters adhere to the rules

Tries to teach you not to fight in the first place

Cultivates expertise in judging eligibility of equipment used in the fight

Tries to teach you not to fight in the first place

Strives to maintain a good view of both fight participants

Tries to teach you not to fight in the first place

Makes sure fighters keep their distance when required

Tries to teach you not to fight in the first place

Stays alert for reasons to stop the fight in the middle, such as a dangerous injury

Haven’t I warned you not to fight?!

Admonishes both fighters to maintain proper comportment during the fight

I SAID DON’T FIGHT!

Rules on fouls committed during the fight

STOP FIGHTING ALREADY!

Administers a count to determine a knockout

IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME NOT TO FIGHT, THERE WILL BE NO DESSERT IN THIS HOUSE FOR NEXT MONTH! DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Judges whether a fall takes place as a result of an opponent’s blow

THAT’S IT! NO DESSERT FOR A MONTH! AND NO ALLOWANCE, EITHER! AND I’M CALLING UP GRANDMA AND GRAMPA AND TELLING THEM NOT TO COME OVER TOMORROW!

Determines whether a blow has been struck below the belt

OW! THAT WAS MY LEG! YOU BOYS ARE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW! YOU! GO TO YOUR ROOM! AND YOU! GO SIT IN THE CORNER! NOBODY COMES OUT OR SAYS A WORD UNTIL I SAY SO!

Assesses intentionality of any fouls to determine severity of consequences

Oh, to hell with it. Kill each other. Don’t come crying to me when you get hurt.

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Written by Thag

August 10, 2011 at 8:55 am

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