Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Parenting Styles of Baseball Teams

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New York Yankee Parents Small Market Team Parents
Academic expectations Valedictorian; extra weekly allowance for lettering in more than one sport Do homework at least 60% of the time
“Dad, can I borrow the car?” “Only the Maserati or the Bentley; your mother has the Ferrari.” “Sorry, the Corolla’s in the shop.”
Reaction to messy room Hire top-of-the-line cleaning service to make the room look spic-and-span until the kid messes it up within 36 hours. Get kid to clean own room, which will last a full day and a half.
Family planning technique No need; can afford any number of kids Rhythm method; cold showers
Vacation itinerary Tahiti, Aspen, the Hamptons, St. Tropez The Walking Tour of Gary, Indiana Bowling Establishments
Food preparation A selection of offerings from some of the finest chefs available Teach kids to cook; enjoy fruits of their labor for a brief period until they are hired as chefs by the Yankees
When child is sick 15-day Disabled List; call up capable replacement Call up friends to find out the homework
Attitude toward taxes The system is unfair because we pay more than anyone else in taxes, and our taxes pay for your portion of revenue-sharing welfare The system is unfair because a much higher proportion of our meager revenue goes to taxes
Shopping sensibilities Adidas‌‌‌™ Yankee Castoffs™
Ideal economic system Unbridled free-market capitalism Welfare state socialism
Keeping up with the Joneses Ditch the Joneses At least we get to watch Chipper Jones play sometimes
Pets Impeccably trained dogs with someone else hired to walk them Hamsters you can teach some really neat tricks
Health insurance Don’t have; don’t need Don’t have; can’t afford
Sought-after praise for child “Exceeds expectations” “Plays well with others”
Chances of being forced to watch the World Series on TV Better than even Better than even

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