Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Flavors Guaranteed Never to Be Made By Ben & Jerry’s

with 3 comments

WARNING: DESPITE COPIOUS REFERENCES TO BEN & JERRY’S ICE CREAM, THIS POST IS UTTERLY, COMPLETELY, AND IN ALL OTHER WAYS TASTELESS, OFFENSIVE AND SHOULD BE TAKEN OUT AND SHOT.

It’s amazing what can come from just shooting the breeze with one’s spouse. Just the other night, when we should have been sleeping, Mrs. Thag and I instead engaged in a bit of intellectual tomfoolery, developing ideas for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavors that will never exist and of course should never exist, if there is any Good and Right in this world. As you know, the jury is still out on that point.

Now, given that Ben & Jerry’s maintain an area of their web site called the Flavor Graveyard (or at least they used to), an In Memoriam to bygone concoctions, the flavors we concocted in our lurid imaginations would instead represent the aborted fetuses, if you will, of Ben & Jerry’s flavors. For the record, no, Aborted Fetus was not one of the proposed flavors. For one thing, it lacks that special brand of cutesy wordplay we have come to expect from those avatars of socially conscious marketing;  it would have to be something more along the lines of “Embryogurt” or “Pitocinnamon” to evoke anything genuinely worthy of Ben and Jerry.

Here, then, are some of the selections we (meaning I, because, there is no way I can allow her reputation to be soiled any further) pulled out of our cerebra (or elsewhere). The challenge lies not so much in coming up with a convincing name as it does in matching the name with appropriate ingredients (yet another reason the Aborted Fetus flavor never really developed past a certain point. If you catch my meaning.) You may feel free, if you lacked the sense to stop reading this post at the beginning, to contribute your own ideas to this surprisingly, uh, fertile intellectual ground.

Malignant Tuber: With freshly irradiated yams

A-O-Kaopectate: Banana-broccoli-liver ice cream with Marmite globs and runny chunks of Brie

Carcinnamon: From the verdant groves of Chernobyl

Hemphysema: For that smoked flavor that never really leaves you

Pedophilbert: (If you think I’m going to give this one any more thought, you’re nuts.)

Flotilla Vanilla: With Marvi Marmalade!

Tomatorexia Nervosa: (Another flavor with a slim chance of my elaborating on it)

Pomme de Terrorist: This extraordinary rendition of French Fries will make your taste buds feel they’ve been waterboarded!

Genocider: Limes against humanity

Carnaval Qaeda: With 72 extra-virgin olives pressed for each pint

Naga-Sake (or Beeroshima): With Atomic Fireballs; 15-kiloton proof

Gang Grape: (You can’t force me to give more details on this one)

Whorseradish: Giving new meaning to the term “root vegetable”

Your turn. If you dare.

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Written by Thag

August 7, 2011 at 11:09 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Disembowel-Mint

    John Barron

    August 8, 2011 at 12:10 am

  2. And “Runny Chunks of Brie” would be a good name for a band.

    Thag

    August 8, 2011 at 7:47 am


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