Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Raising Kids vs. Rooting for the Red Sox: a Comparison

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Children

The Boston Red Sox

Financial return on investment Ties of questionable taste for Father’s Day Ticket stubs; memorabilia of questionable taste
Reward for continued faith Another pierced body part Bill Buckner; Aaron Boone
Insurmountable obstacles that eventually, somehow, become manageable once they’re over Toilet training; abstinence from homework; adolescence; your own hopeless parental dorkitude October
Associated simple pleasures Dr. Suess; Sandra Boynton; the kid’s cognitive and intellectual milestones Watching the Yankees get beaten by other teams; reminding Yankee fans of 2004
Notable milestones Graduation; wedding; grandchildren Snagging tickets; following a bunch of millionaires you will never meet, whose collective athletic achievements in Boston somehow have some bearing on your life merely by virtue of your wanting the Sox to win
Methods of reminiscing with/about Beer; old photos Beer; old photos
Evidence of your dedication to their proper development Harsh words when necessary Harsh words on radio call-in shows
Advice you’ve given repeatedly, only to have them ignore, with predictably disastrous results “If you keep eating so much candy you’ll get cavities” “Take Pedro out! Go to the bullpen! Take Pedro out! GODDAMNIT! TAKE PEDRO OUT!” ”AAAAAAAAAGH! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!”
Reaction to substance abuse “You’d better get yourself into rehab, kid.” “Blah blah blah A-rod blah blah blah.”
Derek Jeter Now there’s a role model. Jeter sucks!
When achievement or behavior deteriorates Show loving concern, support; provide help “Trade the worthless son of a bitch.”
Effect of missed opportunities Maturity;  character development Constant revisiting of Babe Ruth deal
Reasons to keep investing emotionally Profound sense of giving; satisfaction from nurturing a person and relationship of eternal value Because the faceless corporation that is a Major League Baseball team really gives a crap for you, the individual fan, beyond the dollar value you represent.
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Written by Thag

August 6, 2011 at 11:23 pm

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