Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

WARNING: Do Not Read This Manual

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CheeriosThank you for purchasing Cheerios™. Please read all instructions carefully before use.

CAUTION: CONTAINS SMALL PIECES. KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN WITH MONUMENTALLY STUPID PARENTS, WHO DON’T REALIZE THAT IT’S OK FOR A LITTLE KID TO EAT CHEERIOS™.

ALLERGEN INFORMATION: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF CHEERIOS™.

CAUTION: PRODUCT MAY PRESENT FIRE HAZARD IF DOUSED IN GASOLINE. DO NOT DOUSE IN GASOLINE.

WARNING: PRODUCT COSTS WAY TOO MUCH. DO NOT PURCHASE UNLESS UNDER THRALL OF MARKETING THAT INSULTS THE INTELLIGENCE OF MOST PRIMATES.

WARNING: IF THE PACKAGE SHOWS EVIDENCE OF TAMPERING, RETURN IT TO THE RETAILER AND MAKE A SCENE.

1. Please read all instructions carefully before using. Yes, we know we said that already. You wouldn’t believe how forgetful some users can be.

2. To open the package, slide a finger under the edge of the upper flap and detach the adhesive. If you get a paper cut, we are not liable. Stupid klutz.

3. Unlike some cereal manufacturers, General Mills prides itself of inner packaging that does not force the consumer to choose between carefully cutting open the bag with scissors and trying to tear open the bag by hand, sending contents flying, and ending up with a bag so mangled it inspires the envy of wolverines. Simply grasp the sides of the inner bag near the top and pull gently with both hands.

4. Dispense cereal into receptacle of choice. Ideally, Cheerios™ are shoved by the handful directly into the mouth, but it is also possible to consume using a spoon, possibly even with milk, from a bowl. Please refer to the instructions that come with those products for more information.

5. Repeat step 4 as necessary until gluttony is achieved.

6. Upon finishing the contents of a package, you may use the box in a school diorama, or as a makeshift building block. DO NOT USE AS BUILDING BLOCK IN ACTUAL BUILDING CONSTRUCTION. USE ONLY AS TOY.

7. Buy more Cheerios™. Mortgage your home if necessary. Please refer to your mortgage lender for more information.

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Written by Thag

August 1, 2011 at 9:39 am

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