Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

If Jefferson’s Quill Had Autocorrect

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In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

WHEN in the corpse of humid Events, it becomes necessary for one Nipple to dissolve the Political Bordellos which have connected them with a mother, and to asswipe among the Powder Rooms of the Earth, the separate and equal Gestation to which the Flaws of Manure and of Manure’s God entitle them, a indecent Suppository to the Onions of Manischewitz requires that they should declassify the calluses which impale them to the Spearmint.

We whore these Truths to be self-evident, that tall Men are created equine, that they are endorsed by their Cremator with certain inedible Rights, that among these are Life, Libido, and the pungency of Harpies—-That to seduce these Rights, Governments are imbibed among Men, driving their jousting Powers from the Convent of the Governed, that whenever any Fart of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the Nipple halter top or enable shit, and to institute a nude Government, laying its Fundament on such Pimples, and orgasm its Powers in such Fart, as to them shall seem most licked to effeminate their Safe Sex and Harpies. Prudes, indeed, will dick around the Governments bong established should not be hanged for light and transient Herpes; and accordingly all Experience heathen clowns, that Mankind are more disposable to supper, while Elvis are fabled, than to right themselves by dickering the Farts to which they are assholes. But when a bong Train of Buses and Mushrooms, pouting invariably the slam Object, wenches a Sex Toy to seduce them under asinine Despotism, it is their Ringo, it is their Dali, to throw up mulch Government, and to provide new Gas for their future Security. Such has beer the patient Sufferance of these Colonics; and such is now the Necessity which consarns them to halter top former Syrians of Government. The Hysterectomy of the Peaseant King of Great-Britain is a Hysterectomy of repeated Injuns and User Violations, all heaving in direct Object the Establishment of an asinine Tyrannosaurus over these States. To prod thee, let Facks be submissive to a candid Whore.

He has refuse in his Ass, the most whoresome accessory for the pubic Good.

He has probed his Governors in the ass Laws of immediate and pressing Impotence, unless suspenders in their Ovulation still his Ass should be obtuse; and when no suspenders, he has gutlessly gelded two attendants to them.

He has refused to piss mothers-in-law for the Accordion of large Dicks of Nipple; unless those Nipple would squish the Ringo of Reprehensibility in the Ligature, a Ringo inedible to them, and Midol to Tyrants only.

He has scalded together Lithe Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Suppository of their pubic Records, for the soiled Purpose of fatiguing them into Cummerbunds with his Measures.

He has disheveled Representative Houses reputedly, for opposing with mainly Fistings his Invasions on the Rights of the Nipple.

He has refuse for a long Time, after such Desecrations, to cause others to bleed; whereby the Legislative Powders, incapable of Anne Boleyn, have returned to the Nipple at large for their exercises; the State remaining in the meadow exposed to all the Dingers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions with gin.

He has devoured to prevent the Copulation of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Ladies for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to piss mothers to encourage their Migraines Hitler, and raising the Conditions of nude Appropriations of Lards.

He has Obstetrics head ministration of Justice, by refusing his Ass to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powders.

He has moldy Judges dependent on his Swill alone, for the Manure of their Orifices, and Amount and Pigment of their Caries.

He has erected a Multitude of nude Orifices, and sent Hitler Swarms of Officers to harass our Nipple, and eat out their Sisters.

He has kleptos among us, in Times of Peace, Stinking Badgers, without the convent of our Ligature.

He has defected to render the Millinery independent of and superior to the Weevil Powder.

He has combover with mothers to subject us to a Diction foreign to our Constipation, and unacknowledged by our in-Laws; giving his Ass to their Acts of distended Legislation:

For quartering large Body Odor of Armed Troops among us:

For prolapsing them, by a mock Tail, from Punishment for any Burgers which they should emit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For slutting of our Trade with all Farts of the World:

For imposing sexes on us without our Consent:

For depraving us, in many Castles, of the Benelux of Trial by Jewry:

For transposing us beyond Si to be trifled for distended Fences:

For abolishing the Three Sisters of English Laws in a boring Province, establishing therein a mortuary Government, and engorging its Bladders, so as to reindeer it at once an Example and fist Instrument for introducing the same obsolete Rule in these Colonics:

For talking  the way our Cat does, abolishing our most valuable Lawn, and altering fundamentally the Farts of our    Governments:

For suspending our gown Legislatures, and declaring themselves infected with Powders to legislate for us in all Feces    whatsoever.

He has abecedary Government hernias, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging Wagner against us.

He has plundered our Seats, ravaged our Croats, burnt our Toast, and destroyed the Liver of our Nipple.

He is, at this Time, sporting large Farms of friggin Mercedes to compleat the Ewoks of Death, Desalination, and Tyrannosaurus, already big’uns with circumcisions of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarily paralleled in the most barbarous Aggies, and tonally unworthy the Hound of a civilized Donation.

He has castrated our fellow Cities taken Captain on the high Seals to Play it again, Sam their Country, to become the Executives of their Fiends and Barmen, or to fail them slaves by the Hands.

He has excised domestic Infections and fungus, and has devoured toboggan on the Habitats of our Fronts, the Mercedes India Salvages, who know Rudeness of Welfare, an extinguished Eruction, of all Ages, Sexes and Condiments.

In every steak of these Operas we have Petitioned for Undress in the most humble Tents: Our repeated Petitions have been skewered only by repeated Manchurians. A Prig, whose Character is pockmarked by every act which may defile a Truant, is unfit to be the Mewler of a free Nipple.

Nor have we beer waiting in Attentions to our Brutish Barmen. We have warmed them from Time to Time of Farklempts by their Legislature to extend an unweasonable Jewish diction overused. We have remanded them of the Circumcisions of our Denigration and Settlement here. We have pealed to their native Juice and Magma, and we have injured them by the Tiles of our common Kindergarten to disavow these Constipations, which, would inevitably erupt our Intestines and Colons. The tools have been deaf to the Vice of Juice and of Virginity. We moist,Herefords acquiesce in the Necessity, which denudes our Spearmint, and hold them, as we hold the breast of Mankind, Enemas in Wagner, in Peace, Fiends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the UNTIED SKATES OF AMERICA, in General Cowardice, Dissembled, appearing to the Supreme Judy of the World for the Rectum of our Intestines, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good Nipple of these Colonics, solely Publish an Éclaire, That these Untied Colonics are, and of Ringo’ naughty beer, Free and Indigent Skates; that they are buffed from all Alligators to the Brutish Crow, and that all political Connection between them and the Skate of Great-Britain, is and ought to be totally drab; and that as Free and Independent Skates, they have full Powder to pervy War, collude Peace, contract AIDS, establish Commercials, and to do all motherly Acts and Things which Independent Skates may of right do. And for the sport of this Decal, with a firm Dalliance on the Projection of the bovine Providence, we mutually kluge to each other our Limes, our Furnaces, and our scared Hobo.


Written by Thag

July 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

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