Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Chase Your Dreams – All the Way to Perdition

with 4 comments

I think I’ll start a college for realists.

We’ve had enough of this “following your dreams” garbage. I don’t know about you, but my dreams are more likely to resemble a Kafka story than some fulfilling career. Also, my idea of a fulfilling career is living in an endless library. So let’s cut the crap in marketing higher education.

Since one of the goals of a college education should be intellectual honesty, it would suit college recruiters to stress what really goes on on campus. I don’t mean you have to actually say that a good portion of your student body spends its free time rioting while drunk, but at least ease up on the change-the-world-and-get-wealthy-doing-it rhetoric.

Or you could offer courses with practical value, cultivate skills that will get your graduates somewhere. That means cutting out some other elements of the curriculum, naturally, since the partying is a core requirement. That might entail some difficult decisions: dump art history, entirely, or just eliminate everything after Picasso, since modern stuff is worthless?

Then on to the courses with real merit: how to slack off while appearing productive; how to foist responsibilities on colleagues without generating resentment; how to kiss up effectively to authority; how to determine whether an official is amenable to bribery; how to throw investigators off the scent of one’s wrongdoing. You could also squeeze in some basics of accounting or finance, but any nincompoop could pick up the ABCs of those fields in a few days on the job. And to hell with courses in management.

Certain disciplines, however, must remain – nay, they must be reinforced. Teach your goddamn students how to write a sentence, a paragraph, a coherent statement. When I rule the world of employment – any day now – I will administer piano wire wedgies to applicants who cannot write properly. <Yoda>You must unlearn what you have learned</Yoda>, what with your texting shorthand and “casual” (read: blasphemous) attitude toward spelling, capitalization, and punctuation (notice the Oxford comma).

You motto should be: To Hell with Political Science. Or with any other discipline that’s just words, words, words. Because with the world pretty far along its way to Hell already, it’ll be much more beneficial to learn how to stay afloat by trampling everyone else than by studying the philosophical underpinnings of all drowning together.

Written by Thag

July 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Well said! Can we make bible-thumping universities like BYU, Dallas Baptist, and Notre Dame obsolete as well? There’s nothing worse than an institution of “higher learning” that tries to be your freakin’ parent. Between the ages of 18 and 22, your only source of guidance and knowledge should be from Mr. J. Daniels and Professor J. Beam. Also, why is it that schools have degrees for “Restaurant Management”, but neither “Casino Management” nor “Strip Club Management”? Like you said, appeal to our passions — my passions are naked women and money. If it wasn’t so socially unacceptable, I’d go to the Yale School of Drama to become a pornstar.


    July 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    • Actually, as long as the BYU types know what they’re getting into, no problem. I’m sure you can find many students who want to major in Bible Thumping. And many undergrads *want* a nanny school. (Which of course would make another practical course of study: how to be a nanny.)

      I’d also like to see a course of study in How to Land Good Union Job. By which I don’t mean “teacher”.


      July 21, 2011 at 7:25 am

  2. The trouble with teaching “words” is that everyone thinks theirs are most important. Teaching “knowing when to shut up” would be almost as important as “sarcasm works in the dorm but not on a real job.”

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