Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

This Is a Kosher Cruise; No Pig Vomit Allowed

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Welcome, passengers, to your Norwegian cruise. Please don’t puke on us.

Thank you for choosing Norwegian, the world’s finest cruise line. We trust you will enjoy your time on board and restrict your vomiting to areas without carpeting. Cruise ships are large, but many passengers nevertheless feel every movement of the sea, and it takes them a day or two to adjust. Before that, they are liable to spew chunks all over the Las Vegas Buffet in the Crystal Room.

In the two days immediately following our departure from New York, feel free to stroll the grand decks, avoiding the green chunky puddles from fellow passengers who haven’t gotten their sea legs yet. The peerless nightly entertainment in our multiple theaters and lounges, featuring superstar performers, will enhance your cruise experience and distract you from feeling like tossing your cookies overboard.

On the subject of overboard, please take the time to review the safety procedures and regulations in the packet in each cabin. We would like to draw your attention to the many, many restrooms available throughout the ship, and that there should be no need to urinate over the railing. It gets windy out at sea, and the results may not meet with your satisfaction. And Norwegian is Number One in customer satisfaction, so please, we ask your cooperation: only relieve yourself when urine you’re in the proper restroom.

As we approach our Caribbean destination, you will notice that nausea is no longer the main emotion you are experiencing, which means it is almost time to disembark back onto solid ground. You may, if you like, remain on board and continue to inhale cheesecake in obscene quantities. If you choose to explore the sights at our destination, be advised that upon your return to the ship you will be required to ingest 900 grams of cheesecake for each hour spent on land.

The time we spend at our destination is calculated to be just long enough to undo the sea legs you had developed on the first leg of the journey, ensuring that the return trip will once again feature gallons upon gallons of technicolor yawns. The final evening before our arrival back in New York will see an awards ceremony for the most copious quantities of barf egested by passengers, with the winner taking home a doggy bag. The current record holder is Mrs. Edna Pyloris of Sphincter, New Hampshire, whose two liters of liquidy chyme graced the walls, floors and tables of the SS Woozy during a two-week trip in 2004.

We wish you a pleasant journey, and look forward to cleaning up after you as little as possible.

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Written by Thag

July 10, 2011 at 3:18 pm

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