Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The DVD Drive’s Whirring Doesn’t Mean It’s Hungry

with 2 comments

It’s sweet of you to show concern for the DVD player, sweetie pie, but it doesn’t need to eat. It certainly doesn’t need to eat macaroni and cheese, so please don’t try feeding it again.

And you might not like hearing this, but none of our machines need food: not Daddy’s shaver, not the dryer and not the vacuum cleaner. It only seems like the shaver chews the food. It only sounds like the dryer is saying, “Yummmmmmmmm!” And it only looks like the vacuum cleaner is eagerly swallowing whatever you give it. Please stop feeding the machines or they’ll break.

We’ve had enough trouble with creatures that do need to eat. I shouldn’t have to remind you what happened to the goldfish, who didn’t survive your leftover pancakes with maple syrup. It’s a very generous, caring thing to do, sharing your food, but sometimes the best thing to do is just eat it yourself. I made all that yummy food just for you. Just enjoy it. The phone charger can’t enjoy it. It doesn’t have a tongue to taste with, and no throat to swallow with.

The same is true of the computer, sweetie pie. Those little holes aren’t for feeding the computer. They’re more like eyes and ears. What would happen if you put food in your eyes and ea – don’t do it! It was just to get you to think about it. It hurts to have food stuck in there. It hurts the computer, too.

Yes, you can hug the phone, and the stereo speakers. Just make sure no one is using them at the time. And you can give all the kisses you want to the computer mouse. Just no food. And no makeup! Mommy’s lipstick is not for playing with, and certainly not for putting on the computer screen! We have all these great pieces of paper set aside for coloring, and a whole bunch of crayons. If you want to color, ask for them. Don’t go applying Mommy’s mascara to the air conditioner remote control.

You know that Daddy gets upset when you try to give a bath to his mp3 player. Even a bath in milk, sweetie; it’s just not good for the machine. It doesn’t need to be nursed; Daddy keeps it against his chest because he has a pocket there. And no, Daddy’s shirt pocket is a very bad place for the mud cakes you made at the park today.

So please, honey, if you’d like to share your food, offer it to me. Or to the dog. The live one, not the stuffed one.

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Written by Thag

July 10, 2011 at 8:52 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I stuffed a good few toy cars into our old VCR machine. I obviously thought it was a garage. My parents still hate me to this day.

    MacTingz

    July 13, 2011 at 8:15 pm


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