Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

As Your Commodore, I’m the Head of Your Commode

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Fellow citizens, let us not come to blows over this issue, as divisive and emotive as it is. I have enough faith in us that we can peacefully resolve the question of what direction to make the toilet paper roll face.

Let me preface the body of my remarks with the caveat that I have heard all the arguments mustered in favor of both positions, and there is no need for you to restate them for me. This issue can hardly be more intractable than the one resolved last month, whether one must only step on the white lines of a crosswalk, or avoid the white lines entirely. Whereas that question had few, if any, objective measures by which to judge it, we should be able to unravel this one comparatively easily.

Or so it would seem to the uninitiated. It turns out that aside from the passions it arouses, this question may yet rival Fold vs. Bunch in its staying power. We cannot be lax in pursuing a resolution, but we might yet remain at the mercy of either camp unless one softens its stance.

The hard nature of this issue emerges precisely at the point where we realize that there is little, if any, practical difference between the camps, except under highly unusual circumstances. It amounts to a clash of aesthetic sensibilities, a realm in which prejudice and emotion rule, not a realm in which logic or practical ramifications hold much weight. To arrive at an adequate outcome, we must plumb the depths of our own biases and understand why each of us prefers one toilet paper position over the other.

We cannot be hasty or lax about this; he who runs shall stumble in the muck, and the stench of failure shall accompany him wherever he shall go. This conflict cannot be wiped away with a mere swipe of the hand. No, we must sit and ponder, look deep within ourselves, and examine our own assumptions: does our position flow from sober digestion of the matter, or do we simply feel in our guts that the very fiber of the universe is behind us all the way?

For indeed, even the most insoluble things can be eliminated with enough gumption. Let us go forth then, and settle this matter. Let us remain civil, and really listen to one another, not view the other as a mere bowl into which one may get out what he must. You are here to listen as well as to be heard.

As an appendix, I might add that we must not lose sight of the purpose of the toilet paper, its roll, and the roll holder. As in the crosswalk debate, let us maintain our focus on preventing unnecessary skid marks.

Now get down to it, people.

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Written by Thag

July 7, 2011 at 8:42 pm

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