Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Not “Fat”. Just “Stupid”.

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Like European fiscal incompetence, my midriff region has expanded in recent years. This is perfectly consistent with impending middle age – only four years till forty! – but it’s rather annoying to find my trousers no longer fit as they used to. I don’t have time for an exercise regimen, and dieting is out of the question, unless it’s an all-Ben & Jerry’s diet. And I don’t mean sorbet. Yuck. Just for the thought you should be flogged.

Clearly, the only reasonable option here involves physical removal of the excess tissue. Cosmetic surgeons will do that, of course, but elective cosmetic surgery is only slightly less repulsive than that sorbet idea you had (what the hell is wrong with you?). And it costs more money than I care to spend – think of how much Chocolate Therapy ice cream you could get for $2500! So paying someone else to perform the liposuction procedure is out.

Fortunately, I’m a do-it-yourself kind of guy: I brush and floss my own teeth; empty my own bladder; shave my own facial hair; prepare my own meals; do my own laundry. I even clip (or bite) my own nails – fingers and toes. I’m pretty handy with a funnel, too. So how hard can this be to do at home?

They sell over-the-counter topical anesthetics, right? I’ve got my old science kit somewhere upstairs, with a scalpel, and there should be a sewing kit in my wife’s closet. We have some spare plastic straws in the kitchen, and a big plastic bucket to catch drainage.

Now, as I understand, some suction might be necessary. No problem: we have a wet-dry Shop Vac. Once I’m done, some soap and water ought to get that baby clean as a whistle. I just need to practice my stitching and I’m all set.

There are plenty of peripherals to worry about: containing the mess, dusting the house beforehand to make sure it’s sanitary, picking the right color thread for the stitches. I’m thinking purple, mostly because we would otherwise never use the purple thread; it just sits there. As for the possible mess, we’ve got plenty of rags, and plastic garbage bags will do fine to protect the floor.

I’m looking forward to fitting into all those trousers again without a struggle. I’d put an elastic waist on them, but that’s a lot of work.

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Written by Thag

July 5, 2011 at 11:21 am

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