Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Hold Your Turkey Up to the Screen for A While and It’ll Cook

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It’s time to stop dismissing the “False” tales you see on Snopes.com. I’m here to tell you, from now on, it will all be true. I’ll see to it myself.

My weekend plans call for a trip to Florida, where I’ll cruise the highway late at night without headlights. When an oncoming motorist flashes to apprise me of this omission, I will kill that person. If necessary, I will repeat the procedure a number of times so that it becomes an established pattern.

Then I will begin leaving HIV-containing syringes in the coin-return compartment of public telephones, with a note welcoming the eventual victims to the wonderful world of AIDS. I better hurry on that count, as public phones are a dying breed, as it were.

From there I will move on to bars where out-of-town travelers often go, and smooth-talk my way into leaving with a healthy-looking specimen of humanity. He will wake up in a bathtub of ice and both kidneys missing. I have no use for kidneys – I’m more of a liver man, myself – but if the urban legend must be made real, then the organ-ized crime is the important part.

I shall monitor the internet for word of sick or missing children. If any such reports appear to be false, I shall track down children by those names and kidnap them or make them sick, depending on the story. I shall put semen in restaurant food, tumor pus in mayonnaise. I shall drop food on the floor and apply disinfectant within five seconds, rendering the Five Second Rule true. I shall put severed human fingers in bowls of Wendy’s chili.

I shall disguise myself as a Korean and cook your dog into soup. I shall dress in drag and hitch a ride along a lonely highway, letting you catch but a glimpse of my bloody axe and hairy legs as I exit the car in the middle of nowhere. I shall assume the garb of a Middle Easterner and reward the kindness of a stranger by warning her to stay away from a major metropolitan area on Labor Day Weekend.

I shall sneak into position at the Coney Island Aquarium; when an airplane flies overhead, I shall knock the birds over backwards. I will gather the rice thrown at weddings and use it to asphyxiate birds. I shall impersonate a police officer and stake out areas where praying mantises frolic, waiting to arrest anyone who harms them. At the elephant exhibit, I shall pull out a mouse, but make noises to scare the beasts.

I shall develop a chewing gum that adheres to the inside of the digestive tract for seven years. I shall buy your warts, then come back at night, anesthetize you and cut them off, with you recalling nothing of the procedure. After you refrigerate your batteries, thinking it will prolong their life, I shall surreptitiously switch them with brand new ones.

I will feed money into vending machines, then instruct you to insert salt water, at which point you will make and receive your selection. I shall put signs everywhere in sight with the word “sex” so that indeed, men will think about sex every seven seconds. I shall place a penny on railroad tracks, and just beyond it, I shall maim the track, causing the train to derail.

I shall embark on an extermination campaign of natural blondes so that the purported World Health Organization study foretelling their demise will become true. I shall place a cooked egg between two cell phones and act alarmed.

And I might need help with this one, but I’m trying to whip up a dust cloud that will wipe out the solar system in 2014. So far I’ve managed little more than to annoy the neighbors. You know whom I mean: Susan Lucci, Phyllis Diller’s daughter.

What do you mean, it’s not true? Well, looks like it’s time to hack into a few databases…did you know you can do that just holding your car immobilizer up to the phone?


Written by Thag

July 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

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