Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Do You Take This Woman to Be Your Awful Wedded Wife?

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Oh, honey, I don’t know.

Oh, no, don’t take this the wrong way, sweetie, please. I do love you, you, and you just asked me to marry you! How could I not be thrilled to bits? It’s just that…that you…well, you went about it the wrong way, honey. I was hoping for more of a real surprise proposal, you know? Something less predictable than a bunch of text on the Jumbotron at Yankee Stadium.

Oh, sweetheart, please don’t take this as a rejection. I’m not saying no! I’m not refusing to marry you! I’m just holding out for a more impressive proposal. You understand, don’t you? You realize that a girl can’t expect something like this to happen more than once, right? So I was kind of thinking it should be something…grander. Do you understand, sweetie? Here, I’ll even see how the ring fits, just to show you that in principle, I’m in favor. Wow. It feels so right. I’d almost say yes right now. Almost.

Because let’s think about this for a minute, sweetie. You could have arranged for a flyover of military jets releasing contrails to write out your proposal in the clouds. You could have had a clown car show up, and the dozen clowns to emerge would arrange themselves to spell out, “Be My Bride, Anne.” You could have had a Mongol horde kidnap me, then ride up on your white steed and rescue me from the villains in gallant fashion. But you chose to have some technician type a few words on a keyboard. Can’t you see why I’m hesitating?

I know you’re capable of over-the-top romantic gestures, honey. Remember when you sabotaged the lights in the train car so we could cuddle up in “private” on our way to the Syosset station? Or how you had the dry cleaning delivery guy also give me a bouquet of peonies? You can be so creative, sweetheart. You’ve shown me that time and time again. So I simply can’t accept this…this gesture that’s just so lame by comparison.

Oh, honey, please, listen, I’m not calling you lame at all! I’m saying you’re not lame, that I know you’re so much better at this than a Jumbotron message! You’re a hopeless romantic, just like me! We’re made for each other! Of course I want you to propose to me! I just can’t say yes until you do it right, as we both know you can!

Here, I’ll even wear the ring until the end of the game. I’ll give you a big hug for the cameras, and we’ll hold hands until we leave. I love you, honey! Can you allow me this silly dream of a fabulous proposal? Can you indulge me, now and forever? Oh, now you’re crying, honey. I’m so sorry about this. You must be so disappointed, to plan things and then have it come to nothing. I’m sorry to put you through this, sweetheart. Will you forgive my silliness, my overly romantic expectations of the only man I’ve ever loved this deeply? Oh thank you. Oh, my goodness. Now I’m crying, too. Hold me, sweetie, hold me tight.

Oh, can we talk about this ring? Is this white gold? Didn’t you know I prefer platinum?


Written by Thag

July 4, 2011 at 9:47 pm

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