Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Emphasizing the First Syllable of Asphalt

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You know the guy who doesn’t look before changing lanes? That driver you always see cutting across two lanes to get to the exit ramp he nearly missed? The one with the cell phone plastered to his ear? I’m that guy.

I’m in such a hurry, and what I must accomplish is so important, that getting to my destination trumps everyone’s safety. I could be nothing but a sales associate at Target, or a clerk at some municipal office, but damn it, my deadlines are more important than your puny little life. Otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to shave precious seconds off my schedule by risking it.

So today, when I made an illegal left turn on my motor scooter across two lanes of oncoming traffic, that wasn’t an arbitrary gambit aimed at putting myself, several drivers and a dozen pedestrians in danger; it was also a demonstration of my schedule’s importance and the priority it has over everyone else. Not merely priority over everyone else’s schedules; even a thundering idiot understands that. I mean priority over everyone else’s physical existence. With enough emphasis and frequency, this message might eventually percolate enough to increase awareness, and as a result, prompt the realization among humanity at large that they are better off staying home and letting me proceed on my way unimpeded.

It’s not that I want to pull such stunts all the time, though I do admit that gunning through the intersection a couple of seconds after the signal turns red provides an invigorating adrenalin rush. I, too, prefer a world in which such moves are unnecessary. You all can help build such a world by staying the hell off the roads when I need to get from place to place. It will also benefit you: by refraining from getting in my way, you will save yourselves the aggravation that you have come to associate with driving. It’s a win-win situation.

The tailgating, the blaring horn right behind you, the passing by swinging onto the shoulder – these merely function as what I hope are temporary devices to get me where I must be despite the inconsequential herds of hoi polloi teeming along my route just when I need it to remain clear. I certainly don’t pay all those taxes just to have those otherwise useful stretches of road crammed with ignorant hordes of buffoons who labor under the delusion that they need to disrupt my timetable. What do you think the public bus system is for, you imbeciles? Let me spell it out for you: it’s for you, so you can stay out of my way. Don’t like the bus? Work from home. Or walk. Or live somewhere with a subway system.

Just think of all the money you’d save on insurance, too. You could spend it instead on Wii games. Even driving games. That’s how I learned to drive.


Written by Thag

June 20, 2011 at 3:02 pm

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