Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

If Restaurants Were Run Like Airlines

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Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?

Thag: Hello, I’d like to make a reservation for six o’clock. Four people.

Maître d’: Four people, for six o’clock. Under what name, please?

Thag: Thag.

Maître d’: Mr. Thag, may I have a phone number in case we need to reach you?

Thag: Certainly. I’m at 555-1213.

Maître d’: Very good, sir. See you at six.

Thag: Thank you. Goodbye.


Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?

Thag: Hello, this is Thag. I called earlier about a reservation for four people at six o’clock, but I need to change that.

Maître d’: Just a moment, Mr. Thag. Did you say six?

Thag: Yes. Four people.

Maître d’: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t have anything like that in the records.

Thag: What? That can’t be – I just made the reservation an hour ago.

Maître d’: An hour ago? Oh, sir, but you never closed the reservation, so it never went through.

Thag: Closed…what are you talking about?

Maître d’: It’s standard procedure, sir. A reservation must be closed before it can be processed further. It shouldn’t matter this time, sir, we still have space left at six o’clock. Would you like me to put the reservation in again?

Thag: Yes, please – but how do you close it after that?

Maître d’: Oh, I’ll just do that right now, as well. One moment…you said your name was Mr. Thag?

Thag: Right. Four people – oh, wait, no, it’s five people.

Maître d’: OK, five people at six o’clock. The reservation is complete. Your phone number in case we need to reach you?

Thag: 555-1213. What good is the phone number if you don’t use it to call me?

Maître d’: We might need to, sir, if there’s a problem with the reservation.

Thag: But you didn’t call me to tell me there was a problem!

Maître d’: Sir, there wasn’t a reservation.

Thag: But there was! I made it an hour ago!

Maître d’: It was never closed, sir, so it never was. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

Thag: Goodness gracious. I do hope there are no more hassles.

Maître d’: We do too, sir.


Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?

Thag: Hello, this is Mr. Thag. I’d like to change my reservation to six-thirty if at all possible.

Maître d’: Just a moment, sir…was that a six o’clock reservation for five people?

Thag: That’s right.

Maître d’: How would you like to change it, sir?

Thag: I’d like to make it six-thirty, please.

Maître d’: I’m sorry, sir, I can’t do that.

Thag: Why not?

Maître d’: You never confirmed your reservation, sir. We gave the table to another party.

Thag: Confirmed?! What in blazes are you talking about?!

Maître d’: Please sir, there’s no need to get excited. All reservations must be confirmed or they are canceled.

Thag: No need to get excited?! You canceled my perfectly good reservation!

Maître d’: Mr. Thag, I can try to restore it. Please be patient. I will check to see whether we still have room.

Thag: Still have room? Why didn’t you call me to make sure? I left my phone number for just that reason!

Maître d’: Sir, you didn’t call to confirm.

Thag: Why did you take my phone number then? What do you need it for?

Maître d’: In case we need to contact you, sir.

Thag: Why would you need to contact me?

Maître d’: In case there’s a problem with your reservation.

Thag: But you didn’t contact me!

Maître d’: No, sir, there was nothing wrong with the reservation.

Thag: And yet you canceled it!

Maître d’: Exactly. It wasn’t confirmed, so we canceled it.

Thag: But you should have contacted me first to make sure!

Maître d’: No, sir, only if there was a problem with the reservation. There was no problem, just a lack of confirmation. If you’d have called to confirm that would have been a different story. Now do you want me to put it through again?


Maître d’: …I can put you down for a party of five at six forty-five. Will that do?

Thag: It’s not as if I have have a choice, now, is it?

Maître d’: Sir, there’s no need to get testy. Shall I make your reservation for six forty-five?

Thag: Yes. Then close it, or whatever the hell you’re supposed to do. Then confirm it.

Maître d’: Right away, sir. May I have your credit card number and expiration date?

Thag: My what? Are you serious?

Maître d’: Completely serious, Mr. Thag. We need to make sure our guests show up. The space here is in high demand.

Thag: Oh my goodness. I can’t believe this…my card number is VISA 4690555125558444, expires January 2012.

Maître d’: Thank you sir. See you at six forty-five.

Thag: Not if I see you first.


Maître d’: Welcome to Chez Guevara. May I have your reservation please?

Thag: Thag, party of five.

Maître d’: …Party of five…I’m sorry sir, there seems to have been a problem with your reservatio-


TV News Anchor: …Thag, 36, of Shaker Heights, was charged with aggravated assault for attempting to strangle the maître d’ of Chez Guevara, Mr. Thomas Alvarez…


Written by Thag

June 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm

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