Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

We Dub Thee Sir Flatulence

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No, we will not name our daughter Chlamydia.

I don’t care how lovely you think it sounds. It’s the name of an illness, honey. That’s also why we couldn’t name her Dyspepsia, remember? I know most people don’t know what those words mean, but the people who do will make her life miserable. Why would we want to saddle her with that? Just think of your nephew Fellatio. Oh, it sounds nice, does it? Do you even know what it means? It’s an act that men like to have performed on them. No, not like a pedicure. Not at all like a pedicure.

Oh, I just wish someone had talked sense into your siblings before they started having kids. My parents and grandparents were immigrants, too, but they were nowhere near that clueless when it comes to names. My family has reasonable, durable names with good track records: Michael; James; David; Daniel; Sarah; Eve; Patricia. You won’t find a single Pudenda among us, unless you understand the word literally – as most everyone hearing a kid’s name will, so none of us named our kids Flatus, Melanoma or Gonorrhea. Oh, you had an aunt named Gonorrhea? Why am I not surprised?

Oh, goodness. I understand you want to name a child after your beloved aunt. It’s only natural to commemorate the people in our families. I’m named after a great uncle who died in the war. But some names just aren’t meant to be perpetuated. The last century had its share of women named Millicent, Chastity and Selma. But those names just don’t hold much appeal anymore; their time is past. You can try to find other names with the same or similar meanings, but I warn you that won’t work so much for your great uncle Sphincter. I know he and your dad were tight.

We have to look at the meanings. That’s what my folks did when they wanted to name someone after my great-grandfather Ruppert. They named my brother Robert, which means the same thing in a slightly different language. So when you look up your aunt Gonorrhea’s name, what do you find? What do you mean you didn’t find it? Haven’t you ever used a dictionary? No, not a name dictionary! Of course it’s not in a name dictionary! It’s not a name any thinking person would give a kid! It’s like naming someone Vomit! That’s not in the name dictionary either!

Your…your cousin? A boy or a girl? Well, I’ll be…in any case, look up gonorrhea in a regular dictionary and tell me what you find. There’s one over here on the shelf. I’ll wait while you find it in there.

Clap? Clap? NO CHILD OF MINE IS GOING TO BE NAMED CLAP! Did you even read what “gonorrhea” means, or just skip to the synonyms?  Give me that dictionary! “A common sexually transmitted infection caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae. Symptoms in men are burning with urination and penile discharge; in women, vaginal discharge and pelvic pain.” Is that what you want associated with your daughter?

I’m glad I’m getting through. If it’s a boy you want to name him, what, again?

Feces? Did I hear you right?

Oh, @?#!$.

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Written by Thag

June 10, 2011 at 10:41 am

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