Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

You Want Dessert? First Eat This Boot

with 2 comments

We, the undersigned, the parents of this household, acknowledge the receipt of the children’s list of grievances, and dismiss them with a wave of the hand. Our point-by-point rebuttal follows.

1. What other parents do has little or no bearing on the management of this household’s affairs, least of all other parents too lazy to insist on a proper diet for their children. We call to attention to the fact that these other households spend ridiculous stretches of time gaping at their television screens, yet somehow our children did not sense that the lack of such an appliance in our household requires remedying that nonconformity.

2. Please refer again to rebuttal point number one. We shall add that on those occasions when the parents of this household make the effort to procure or prepare burgers, pizza or hot dogs, at least one child demands the food be prepared in a very specific manner or it will go uneaten. The parental efforts have not once yielded an expression of gratitude in keeping with the level of desire the children claim to associate with said foodstuffs. On the subject of chocolate spread, it should be noted that an admixture of sugar, oil, stabilizers and just enough cocoa powder to turn the substance brown does not satisfy any reasonable requirement that a substance dubbed “chocolate spread” must contain something more closely resembling actual chocolate.

3. We refer the complainants to every Friday afternoon, when the treats from friendly Mrs. Lewis render the evening repast an intense negotiation session just to get two of the children to finish a single chicken wing each.

4. Refer again to point number one. It should also be noted that unlike many of their peers, the children of this household remain at negligible risk of obesity, diabetes or the development of such a jaded sense of taste that only the cloyingly sweet retains gastronomic appeal. The parents of the household hereby notify the children that they expect commensurate gratitude in ensuing years for a policy that enables said children to appreciate subtleties of flavor and aroma.

5. We refer the complainants to the fructose content of, for example, a wedge of cantaloupe or watermelon. See also point number four.

6. This house is not a restaurant, at which each diner may select a series of items to be prepared according to his or her wishes. What is more, nowhere in the Bill of Rights, or any other text associate with natural rights, can one find mention of dessert as a right of any sort. In fact, as the parents of this household find necessary to emphasize with troubling frequency, dessert must be earned. As access to dessert is not a right, it follows that the availability of dessert in keeping with one’s own finicky, dainty preferences is not guaranteed under any rational system of human rights.

7. Please refer again to points one and four. It bears pointing out that when the children of this household administer their own serving, the result frequently entails a parent cleaning up a hardly-touched dish of said food within ten minutes.

In light of the above, we the parents summarily reject the claims of the children and note that we the parents are the selfsame authorities to which the children seek to appeal. Now get back to your homework or read a book or something.

Authoritatively yours,

Thag and Miggtha (Mom and Dad to you, you little ingrates)


Written by Thag

June 2, 2011 at 10:54 pm

2 Responses

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  1. oh I love this…


    June 3, 2011 at 12:59 am

    • Too bad; we didn’t make any today. You can either eat it, go hungry, or fix yourself a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.


      June 3, 2011 at 11:41 am

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