Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I Solemnly Swear to Abuse My Electoral Office

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Hi, we’re your local government, and we’re here to make your life difficult.

Nothing too objectionable, you understand; no long-lasting violations of your civil rights. Just some major inconveniences, such as shutting down all the local streets for a parade of dubious value. Because that’s how we engage your civic pride: making it exceedingly difficult for you to get around and get things done in this city.

That birthday party on the other side of town your son wants to attend? Well, we’re sorry you baked those brownies, but they’re not going to be necessary now that you can’t get him there. The nice family dinner with grandma you had planned? It’ll have to be some other time, when she’s not available. What did you expect, that we would just lie down and let you live your lives when we have to justify our taxation of you by getting your attention the only way we know how? Please.

It’s not as if we don’t have lives of our own and families to support. We don’t just mean the relatives we place in cushy municipal jobs; we mean actual children and stuff. Those private schools aren’t exactly free, you know, and drawing a salary from your tax dollars is the only way we can make those diamond-studded ends meet. That means generating enough activity around town to make the citizenry think we’re accomplishing things left and right. It doesn’t matter whether we do anything constructive; we doubt you’d be able to tell the difference. Those road work projects that close off a lane of traffic along a major artery? That’s just drilling, leaving it open for a month and sealing it up again. We don’t know a thing about actually fixing stuff, but we have to pretend we do, or we’re out of a job. We’re sure you understand.

You do¬†understand; there’s no other logical explanation for your continued tolerance – and, dare we say, continued reelection – of us and our policies, if an incoherent bunch of civic kludges can be called policy. So we thank you for your generosity from the bottom of our swelling checking accounts and municipal pension funds.

Now don’t forget to pay your parking tickets. Daddy needs a new plasma TV.


Written by Thag

May 30, 2011 at 4:11 pm

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