Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Anchovy Pizza Comes with a New Buick

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Waitress: Good evening. I’m Sheila. How are you?

Husband: Fine, thank you (takes menu). (To wife) Honey, would you like a menu, too?

Wife: No thank you, dear; you know what I like.

Husband: OK. (opens menu) Let’s see…pasta…pizza…

Son: Dad, do they have ice cream?

Husband: Not until dessert, Dean.

Wife: But if you finish all your food first, you may have two scoops.

Waitress: I’ll come back in a few minutes when you’re ready to order.

Husband: No, please stay – I have some questions about the toppings for the pasta – what’s with the sauces?

Waitress: (Looks over) That’s, uh…um…uh oh. I think there’s been a mistake.

Husband: You mean you don’t have that topping? That’s fine; I’m partial to – hey, why don’t you have alfredo sauce anymore?

Waitress: We do! It’s just the menu’s been – here it is, where the ice cream toppings should be.

Husband: Alfredo sauce on ice cream? That’s repulsive!

Son: Can I have that for dinner? It’s healthy, right? Mom, what’s alfredo sauce?

Wife: Mushrooms and cream.

Son: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!

Waitress: Sir, it’s just a mix-up on the menu, it doesn’t mean –

Husband: Why on earth would anyone want tomato cream sauce on their ice cream sundae?

Wife: On second thought, I think I will take a menu.

Waitress: (Handing menu to wife) Please don’t get upset; the toppings are still –

Husband: Don’t get upset? What have you done to my gnocchi? How am I supposed to enjoy it with any of these sauces?! Magic Shell?! Whose idea of dinner is this, anyway?

Wife: Dear, calm down. Sheila? Why do you offer chocolate sprinkles on the pizza, but not anchovies?

Son: That‘s what I want! Mom, can I have pizza with chocolate sprinkles?

Husband: Are you out of your mind?

Waitress: We don’t offer –

Husband: It says here you do. Buy why in blazes would anyone order anchovies on ice ice cream? Get me the manager!

Waitress: Sir, as I tried to explain –

Husband: Explain?! How can anyone explain offering pesto as an ice cream topping?!

Wife: Dear! Please calm down!

Waitress: I- I’ll go get the manager. (Leaves)

Son: So can I have the pizza with chocolate sprinkles?

Husband: Absolutely not. We’re going to get this straightened out. Honey, can you believe this?

Wife: (Holding face in hands) No, dear. (Takes deep breath) Can’t you see they just switched the sections of the menu by mistake?

Husband: Well, that’s some mistake! Reese’s Pieces on ravioli? Tortellini with butterscotch sauce?

Son: Oooh! That’s what I want!

Wife: I thought you wanted the pizza.

Son: I changed my mind! May I have the turtle weenie with butterscotch?

Husband: THE WHAT?

Wife: Tortellini, dear. Please, calm down! You’re making a scene!

Husband: SO WHAT IF I AM?

Manager: What seems to be the trouble, sir?

Husband: I’ll tell you what seems to be the trouble! You lot! Mixing up all the toppings and sauces! A guy can’t put together a decent meal anymore because you’ve gone and exchanged the pasta and pizza toppings for the ones that properly go on ice cream!

Manager: Sir, please get a hold of yourself. We’ve done no such thing.

Husband: (Shoving menu in manager’s face) Then what do you call this? Do you mean to tell me I can have my choice of M&Ms, hot fudge or chopped nuts on my fettucini, or I can have ice cream primavera, but not the inverse? What is wrong with you people?

Manager: Sir, if you cannot discuss this calmly, I will be forced to ask you to leave. It’s only the menu that’s been messed up, sir, not the actual choices. You can have your pasta primavera, and no, we do not offer colored sprinkles on pizza.

Son: But what about chocolate sprinkles? I wanted chocolate sprinkles on my pizza!

Wife: You said you wanted tortellini with butterscotch sauce.

Son: I changed my mind again. I want the pizza with sprinkles.

Manager: As I said, that’s a dessert topping, not a pizza topping.

Husband: But it says right here on the menu that the sprinkles go on pasta! Are you telling me my son can’t have what he wants?

Manager: You…you want to have sprinkles on pizza?

Wife: No.

Son: Yes!

Wife: No!

Husband: But can he?

Manager: Uh, yeah, I guess if he really wants it…

Husband: So the menu is right!

Manager: No! It’s a mistake!

Son: I want pizza with chocolate sprinkles!

Wife: No!

Son: Yes!

Wife and Manager: NO!

Husband: (to Manager) You stay out of this! We’re the customer, and the customer is always right! If my son wants pizza with chocolate sprinkles, by God, he’ll have pizza with chocolate sprinkles! It’s right here on the menu!

Manager: Sir, as I keep trying to tell you, the menu is wrong.

Husband: But you just said he can have it if he wants it!

Manager: Well, yeah, he can, but it’s not a very good idea!

Husband: Why, is there something wrong with your pizza? Or your sprinkles? It wouldn’t surprise me, considering your sensibilities when it comes to flavors that any fool can see are incompatible.

Manager: OK, that’s it. I’m sorry, sir, but I must ask you to leave.

Husband: Look, I’m sorry I got so upset. What if we just order now?

Manager: (suspiciously) O…kay.

Husband: Fine. Then I’ll have the angel hair pasta with two scoops of coffee ice cream.

Manager: OUT! OUT! GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT! OUT!

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Written by Thag

May 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm

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