Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

It Will Rain on Your Birthday Party Because You Deserve It

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For Belinda’s fourth birthday party, we wanted something really special, something she’d remember forever. She’d be grateful and appreciative, and never make trouble again. Because that’s the way kids’ minds work, right? Abnd giving the little darling exactly what she wants is the best way to raise a child. So we hired someone to run the party for us, and she picked out a theme: knights and princesses! All the kids were invited to come dressed as knights or princesses! And there would be balloons! And store-bought cake! And fun, managed activities! And no down time whatsoever! And all these exclamation points!!!!!!

It was shaping up to be a great party – as the day came, Belinda couldn’t stop talking about it, and which of her nursery schoolmates would come. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I didn’t mention any of the five boys whose parents don’t let them socialize with girls after they turn three, for religious reasons. I also completely forgot about Shane, whose parents I should have talked to in advance, because there was a good chance he’d come dressed as a princess, and Belinda would just get confused and upset.

Then there was Thag, who didn’t bother telling his daughter there was a theme, just that she should come dressed up as a knight – and she didn’t even know what a knight was! I think these people do it on purpose, just to make my life difficult! And on top of that, there were all these allergies the kids suddenly had – how was I supposed to know that little Dara couldn’t eat peanuts, Jake can’t get near tree nuts, Gretchen has a sensitivity to wheat gluten, Marlo and Gregory can’t have eggs or dairy, and Joshua’s parents insist on raw foods only? Well! My¬†parents certainly never had to worry about any of that, and somehow we all did just fine. To heck with all those restrictions! If they don’t want to eat the ridiculous quantities of junk food and chemically enhanced desserts in unnatural colors, fine by me!

We decided to hold the party in the big public park nearby. So we got there an hour and a half before the scheduled time to set up: balloons, streamers, bags of party favors, games, and of course, litter. We brought extra litter just in case there was actually enough room for all of our refuse in the existing receptacles.

But of course no one showed up on time, and Belinda got antsy and upset. And the woman we hired, Nancy, kept dropping not-so-subtle hints about the time she would leave and not a second later unless we paid more, no matter how late things got started. We reluctantly agreed to have her start the obnoxiously loud music, which was the signal for he rain to start falling. Belinda started crying again. Gary started kicking things. Nancy smirked and started packing up her things, and then we got into an argument because her time wasn’t up and I’d paid her already. I started crying. Little Chester was the only one enjoying himself, as he got to the cake when everyone else was busy, and rolled around in the mud and wet grass.

So I don’t know about Belinda, but I’m certainly never going to forget this. But it also means I’ve got to make it up to her somehow: a bigger party next time, with twice as much excitement! And an indoor, rain-proof facility! And staff to wait on my little princess hand and foot! And gaudy colors that would cause Stevie Wonder to cower in fright! Yes! I’d do that for my daughter! And I know you wouldn’t do it for yours, which shows how much better I am at parenting than you.


Written by Thag

May 15, 2011 at 3:02 pm

2 Responses

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  1. As you say..at least you will remember this Birthday..Eliza Keating

    eliza keating

    May 15, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    • Now read it again, this time with the knowledge that it’s satire…


      May 15, 2011 at 3:09 pm

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