Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

WARNING: This Child Comes With No Warranty

with one comment

Thank you for acquiring a 2011 Human Child. The universe believes you will enjoy countless hours of meaningful interaction with your Child, but doing so requires preparation. Please read these instructions carefully to acquaint yourself with the important features of your unit.

Please note that some packages contain two, or occasionally more, units, but the overall maintenance procedures remain the same as for a single Child. Your service provider can offer detailed information on the care and upkeep of your Child, but be advised that these consultations are generally conducted for a fee. Payment plans are available in most areas, as well as insurance policies to cover both routine maintenance and malfunctions. Malfunctions are less likely if you adhere to a proper maintenance regimen.

Your Child comes with an alert system to indicate that your attention is needed in one of the following areas:
– Nourishment (see chapter 3)
– Hygiene (see chapters 4-6)
– Structural or systemic malfunctions (see chapters 7-8 or consult your service provider)

CAUTION: Do not subject your Child to sudden impact against any surface. This may damage the unit and cause it to malfunction. See chapter 7 for more information.

CAUTION: The unit does not come equipped with a language module, and therefore cannot receive instructions. This feature is not included to enable the user to develop patience, as well as the serenity to accept that the non-verbal, non-walking, cognitively immature Child possesses the capacity to control your life for the next several decades. If you are unprepared to cope with this realization, please rob several banks per week to ensure adequate income for your unit to be cared for by others. With the proper regimen of care and maintenance, the language module will be downloaded automatically over the next several years.

CAUTION: The unit does not come equipped with a chewing apparatus. Consequently, the insertion of solid objects into the unit’s oral orifice (fig. 1) is not recommended. Solid objects may be brought into proximity of the oral orifice if the volume of that object exceeds that of a standard softball. Objects inserted into the oral orifice may become stuck and interfere with the functioning of the breathing apparatus (see chapter 2) and the nourishment apparatus. Should this nevertheless occur, contact your service provider immediately.

CAUTION: The care of this unit will cost you precious sleep when you need it most. It will ruin your most cherished and valuable household objects. It may interact unfavorably with other such units, especially those kept in close proximity. It will become the source of your most intensely frustrating moments as well as those of your most profound pride. It will make you liable for expenses you never dreamed existed, especially if your unit is female.

Please read all instructions carefully.

CAUTION: Even reading the instructions carefully will not adequately prepare you for the experience of parenthood. Oh, and there is no warranty.

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Written by Thag

May 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm

One Response

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  1. This totally made my day! thanks!

    Stephanie

    May 11, 2011 at 7:06 pm


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