Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I Have a Tuesday Night Reservation with Your Spam Filter

with 5 comments

I’m sorry. I’ll try not to do it again. It was a stupid idea.

You see, I went a long time without checking my spam folder. Upon clicking on that long-neglected link, I came face-to-screen with the realization that I had missed out on months’ worth of fabulous offers. Some were even in languages I didn’t know existed. And some were quite possibly English, but not necessarily. I mean, they used real English words, mostly spelled correctly, but put them together in ways no speaker of English ever would. Those mostly came from Nigeria. I didn’t know there were so many Africans with oh-so-tantalizingly close access to millions of dollars. No wonder the continent is in trouble: all that useful cash, locked away from the public. If everyone wrote back to those Nigerian widows today, we could solve the AIDS crisis, a couple of wars and food distribution problems from the Sahara southward.

Now, I do not, currently, have a need for a certain pill, the name of which will prompt some filters to regard this post as spam, but it features a phonetic rhyme with a set of waterfalls shared by the U.S. and Canada. That pill promises to eliminate certain performance issues in men. Oodles of messages offering it end up in my spambox everyday. But should I save all those messages, in case, when I reach a certain stage of middle age, I might need said med? The more sources I consult, the more likely I am to find to a competitive price – and as I understand, the going rate for this particular non-chewable tablet is something like twenty bucks per dose. I’d better set up a filter to override the spam-detector and file those messages away for safekeeping. In fact, if you’re looking to get rid of yours, I’ll take your leftover messages in that vein, as well.

Now, I do wish I could understand Russian, because a good number of the messages in there are in that language. How the hell am I supposed to know what they’re telling me? What am I supposed to do about this? What if it’s some really crucial information that my English-speaking sources have missed? The same goes for what I guess is Chinese. I need help, but I can’t deal with all that gibberish on my own!

Then there are the offers to increase one’s physical endowment. I do not, thank you very much, require enhancement of my bust, least of all through what appear to be thoroughly unscientific means, but if I were, I would wonder how you knew, since I certainly wouldn’t be going around telling everybody I was considering it. So I suspect I’ve been getting these messages in error, and they are intended for someone else with a similar address. As for roughly analogous offers directed at males, thank you, but I believe those were received in error, as well; I’m quite unlikely to broadcast, uh, shortcomings in that region, so even if it were relevant, I wouldn’t trust my anatomy to people with no sense of discretion.

Of course I could occasionally make use of access to pharmaceuticals with a diminutive price tag – available only with a physician’s endorsement – so should I save those messages, as well, and refer to them again next time the little ones need some amoxycillin? This sure is getting complicated. There are so many helpful people out there, waiting to provide assistance where it might be needed – and here I sat, losing faith in humanity. Well, from here on in I resolve to pay more attention to the wrong side of the incoming e-mail tracks. Those neglected messages would appreciate it, and it’s the least I can do for them.

Now, would you like to see that for-sure authentic video of Bin Laden’s death?


Written by Thag

May 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Don’t want to miss out on those great deals, did you say?

    I set up a filter in my GMail to bypass spam filters and delete straight away, as I check the spam folder in-case REAL email gets into the spam folder.

    Once I remove any pharmacy spam using the filter into the deleted folder I had no spam.

    Linear Fix

    May 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    • But…but…how do you live with the fact that you cause yourself to miss all those incredible opportunities?


      May 9, 2011 at 4:19 pm

  2. I’m lucky enough to receive some of the same spectacular SPAM comments you do. Many are in Russian, but as you’ve said, my favourites are the pseudo-English ones.

    “you are my aspiration , I own few blogs and occasionally run out from to brand : (.”

    To delete them immediately would be to miss out on some truly amusing sentiments. Genuine comments stating a genuine interest in your work are always nice, but they’re not always as much to fun to read as this:

    “Just saw a where a girl squirts paint out of her ass onto a canvass…how’s your night so far We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens.”


    May 10, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    • I’d love to be able to respond to those comments, and maybe initiate a dialogue that would blaze new trails in human miscommunication. “Frothing dubious canard crenelations can betwixt thine camisole? Pulchritude.”


      May 10, 2011 at 7:08 pm

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