Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Can We Get a Sniper Hit on the Bozo in the Left Lane?

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It’s not exactly a slow news day, but I’m having trouble coming up with a topic for today’s tantrum. Maybe that’s because I don’t use the news as my source of ire. That honor is reserved for bad drivers.

You know which ones I mean: the ones who enter the intersection without making sure they can get out at the other end, thus perpetuating gridlock; the ones who don’t signal; the ones who drive infuriatingly slowly when they’re right in front of me.

But the news? Meh. Osama Bin Laden? That’s old turban already; it was, like, three news cycles ago. And stories of irksome people meeting a violent end are hardly rare. I just can’t think of any recent factual ones offhand. What offends me most about the operation was that no one outside the usual suspects found a way to directly blame Israel. What has become of our knee-jerk anti-Zionists? Are they suffering a change of heart? A weakening of conviction? Getting bored of the whole enterprise? I can understand getting bored of it; you ever spend decades in a Lebanese refugee camp? Not exactly Manhattan’s Upper East Side (not exactly Hoboken’s Upper East Side, either). When a friend asked me this morning, in all seriousness, whether I thought the Israelis were involved, I said, “No. If they were, do you think it would have taken ten years?”

Which naturally leads to the brilliant idea of having the Israelis deal with all those lousy drivers. Think about it: they have this legendary prowess when it comes to achieving the seemingly impossible, of accomplishing earth-shattering things deep in unfriendly territory: Entebbe in 1976; Eichmann in 1960; Dubai in 2010; Tunis in 1988; your linen closet in 1997 (you thought no one knew about that one, huh? I have my sources). What territory is more unfriendly than the streets, populated as they are by nitwits who somehow managed to finagle their ways to a license? We need the Mossad on this one, and you know it.

Of course a cursory examination of the way Israelis drive might be in order before taking this proposal to the various movers and shakers in your area. I am sorry to report that the results of such a survey are not encouraging. As a matter of fact, once upon a time a good number of New York City cab drivers were Israeli nationals, before the wave of South Asian immigrants, a fact I conveniently pulled out of my derrière. During that entire period, the reputation of the New York City cab driver improved not a whit, nor did the presence and influence of such supposed role models burnish the image of New York drivers in general. It turns out that Israelis, like every other bunch of human beings, are mostly lousy drivers.

Which means we have to fall back on a more practical plan for dealing with all those morons on the road. Where’s that team of Navy SEALs?

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Written by Thag

May 4, 2011 at 10:02 pm

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