Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Shares of Your Spleen Are Doing Well in Active Trading

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Jim, I only eat Fair Trade human flesh. I know you want me at your barbecue, but it would be really awkward to be the only one not partaking of your burgers – which I’m sure are delicious. I just can’t condone the exploitative practices so rampant in the mainstream people meat market.

It’s about fairness. It’s about morality. It’s about a global consciousness that takes selfishness out of the center of the picture and emphasizes something more important: allowing developing countries to compete in the global marketplace for your human flesh dollar. Do you care where your money goes? Of course you do; but have you ever thought about the people who work just as hard as their counterparts in industrialized societies, but can’t get their products to market because they lack the technology to do so efficiently? How are they¬†supposed to compete to meet your cannibalistic proclivities when they’re up against megacorporations that don’t give a damn for the environment, or for exploitative labor? People matter, Jim. And they’re delicious, which makes this issue even more important.

You have to admit, humans raised on organic foods are a far superior product to those raised on factory farms. I’ll take the liver of a sub-Saharan African villager over that of a Shanghai factory worker any day of the week. On top of that, the Chinese economy is in pretty decent shape, while most of Africa’s human manufacturing facilities are threatened by habitat shrinkage, diseases and corrupt governments. They can use a little economic security in exchange for giving you the wherewithal to make a decent kebab. It’s a win-win situation, and you know it.

Oh, I can tell you some horror stories about the human flesh you get in most places. The manufacturers make all sorts of unwarranted claims about the health of the specimens they use, about the importance of selecting from just the right stock, and a load of hogwash about humane treatment – and then – this was on the news just last week – it turns out that most of the time they just round up some inner-city junkies, kill them any old way, and package them. And the regulators do diddly-squat, because all the relevant government figures are in the pocket of Big Long Pig.

But it’s not only about quality, Jim: it’s about corporate responsibility; it’s about the global village; it’s about feeling for our fellow humans and helping them bootstrap themselves to a better life.

So you can continue to purchase your Soylent Green from run-of-the-mill dealers with no sense of right and wrong, or you can take a little extra time to seek out the ones who give a damn about our planet, and our fellow human beings’ welfare. Because that’s what Fair Trade is really about.

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Written by Thag

May 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

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