Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

…and If Everyone Looks to the Right, the Plane Will Tip Over

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Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing Thag Airlines, and welcome aboard flight 3.14159 to, uh, let me check again…Newark. Huh. That’s funny. Isn’t that in New Jersey? It sounds so much like “New York,” but it’s not. It’s close, though, so don’t worry. Anyway, yeah, welcome aboard.

This is Captain Thag, and with me is copilot Miggtha. Together we have almost three weeks of commercial aviation experience, unless you count the times we got locked in the baggage compartment for a transatlantic flight back in ’05. Those jokers at Logan did that to us more often than I care to remember! But you can just relax in the comfort of the cabin, because we don’t want you in here with us any longer than you do.

Our flight time today will be about six hours, not counting any last-minute refueling stops we have to make along the way. Not many passengers are aware of this, but we experienced pilots know about all the little jet fuel stations with amazingly low prices, and at what times they’re not crowded. So we’ll probably be going only a bit out of our way. You just sit tight and enjoy Thag Airlines service in the meantime.

We will show you a safety and evacuation video in a few minutes, as required by FAA regulations. Additional information regarding this aircraft can be found in the pouch in front of each seat, blah blah blah. Come on; we all know you’ll only feel like looking at that under two conditions: (1) you’re an inquisitive boy, or (2) at some point after we announce, about two hours from now, that the video equipment is malfunctioning, you will be so starved for visual input that you will willingly search through the stack of detritus for something that might, under highly rare circumstances, manage to hold your attention for more than fifteen seconds. Select seats in coach and business class have also been provided with copies of Cramped!, our in-flight magazine. The rest of you have been provided with vintage issues of Woman’s Day.

Once we are at cruising altitude and the “Fasten Seat Belt” light is off, our cabin crew will come around with a beverage cart, specially designed to block every inch of aisle space. Please do not mistreat our flight attendants, as we have authorized them, at their discretion, to kick people off the plane in midair.

Dinner will be served about three hours into the flight, just when you thought you could get some shut-eye. Your choices of entrée will be meat loaf made during the Reagan administration, or meat loaf made during the Johnson administration. Andrew Johnson, in case that makes a difference to you. Please enjoy our complimentary tea and coffee, which is usually still warm when served.

Please turn off your electronic devices and refrain from using them again until the seatbelt sign is off. This includes phones of any sort, not only the amazingly pretentious iPhones that somehow the world managed without until now, but also laptop computers and the remote control for your DVR. Did you honestly think you could control it from far away? Please stow them in your carry-on baggage until their use is permitted. Please note that we have also authorized our cabin crew to eject in midair any mobile devices being used in an improper manner. Be advised that some of our staff understand “in an improper manner” to mean “at all.”

Once again, thank you for choosing Thag. Have a pleasant flight.

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Written by Thag

April 28, 2011 at 2:42 pm

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