Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Article Variety Doesn’t Want You to Read

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I don’t know if you’re as troubled as I am about this, but it seems Justin Timberlake has not been in the headlines enough recently. At least I think that’s whom I mean. I always confuse him with Brad Pitt. Or what’s his name, the guy from that one movie. With the horses.

Listen, I know you’ve had your hands full with developments in the lives of Charlie Sheen and Prince William, but I’m sure the two of them will live happily ever after together no matter what. This Timberlake fellow, however, needs your attention to survive. I’m sure of that. Relatively. I could mean Al Pacino, or Senator Barbara Boxer. Isn’t that an awesome name? Senator Barbara Boxer of California. Is she still a senator? What about Henry Cabot Lodge? If you see him, relay my regards from my college course in WWI-era American foreign policy. He might not remember me, because that was way back in 1996. Also, Lodge was already dead. Unlike Justin Timberlake. I think.

Yeah, he’s seen better days. Everyone recalls the “wardrobe malfunction” with Tina Turner. Wait, Janet Jackson? Wil Wheaton? Somebody who was big back in the 80’s. Maybe it was Max Headroom. But still, don’t you think Mr. Timberlake deserves more from us? Assuming that’s who it is.

I know I sound like I don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s nothing new, you should know; I’ve lots of practice, ever since all those studies came out about a college education not really making a difference in a person’s potential employment. I figure I can wangle a job as a politician, all of whom seem to do what I do fairly well and get power, money and fame as a result. Or maybe that’s meteorologists. Except for the power part. Or the money. Or fame. I do remember Mr. G., or whatever his name was. Is he still around?

I know Justin Timberlake is still around. I just haven’t heard his name in a while. And I know he hasn’t become a meteorologist; that would have been earth-shattering news, more urgent that the nuclear stuff in Japan and the emerging quagmire in Libya. Or maybe it’s Yemen. Did Goldstone find that Timberlake intentionally targeted Bahraini civilians? Probably not. Meteorologists don’t tend to hit their targets anyway.

OK, so there was that escaped cobra in the Bronx Zoo; I understand that sometimes the media’s attention is required elsewhere for a few moments. But Justin Timberlake has had a Twitter feed like, forever, unlike that upstart reptile, who probably doesn’t do his own tweets. Well, to be fair, Timberlake probably doesn’t either, but I’m not in a position to know. You think maybe Timberlake was doing the tweeting for the snake? That would be cool.

Yeah, I think the media dropped the ball on this one. As far as I can tell. Maybe it wasn’t the media at all, but a cabal of corrupt Russian oligarchs intent on controlling the weather. Damn, we could use a good meteorologist. Anybody know one?

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Written by Thag

April 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

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