Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

[Insert Genocide Joke Here]

with 2 comments

Since you’ve been tense lately about finding ways to make everyone around you uncomfortable, I decided to offer a few helpful suggestions that might provide some solutions.

You’ve been focused so intently on calibrating your body odor just so, and to marvelous effect, but we both know that as powerful a tool as it is, BO sometimes falls short in the antisocial arena. Most westerners have gotten used to the idea that people shower everyday, sometimes more than once, but you won’t always find yourself among westerners. All that bacteria poop will be just another scent in the jungle of human interactions.

So you also need to work on body language, menacing or horribly inappropriate speech, and  behavioral techniques that can make the difference between being like the wino in the subway car, relatively easy to ignore, and the in-your-face, spittle-emitting train platform evangelist accosting every single passer by, exhorting him or her to accept Jesus as Lord and savior, or perhaps to buy a time share – it doesn’t really matter what you’re peddling; the key is to engender such revulsion that otherwise happy people question their faith in humanity.

So let’s start with body language. The biggest, most important rule is to violate people’s personal space. Not once, or fleetingly, but repeatedly, for extended, agonizing moments that make people tense their muscles and pull their shoulders close to their torsos. The synergy you create when you’ve got BO or halitosis and then get into people’s faces cannot be overstated.

Twitches help, too. Not little tics that can be endearing, or even conversation starters; you want to aim for grotesque moves that evoke epilepsy. If you can work in a rude gesture or sound while you’re at it, more power to you. You might also find that faking a limp or a nonfunctional body part serves well in this role. Drooling, especially, ups the cringe quotient quite a bit. You can get creative here; you don’t need to rely on me for ideas.

As far as verbal techniques are concerned, you want to develop the right blend of menacing tones and threatening words, though the latter need not be explicit. You can simply wax wistful about the ineffable appeal of using human entrails in household décor, or imply that whoever so much as makes you feel unwelcome is liable to find a few fingers and toes missing. Naturally, certain topics lend themselves to this: scatology and other bodily functions, especially in a culinary context; bizarre sexual proclivities; too-realistic-to-be-fake accounts of stalking people. Here, as well, you probably don’t need me to give you ideas.

Regarding behavior, you want to stay on the closer side of the line that separates the merely revolting from the downright illegal, lest you find yourself in a holding cell with individuals much more practiced in these fields. So keep your hands off, and do not direct your gestures toward anyone in particular, but dry-hump that piece of exercise equipment like nobody’s business. Bark at postal workers doing their rounds. Sit atop fire hydrants with an uncomfortable look on your face. Shave only one side of your face – the one opposite the half of your scalp that you’ve shaved. Pretend to eat other people’s boogers, culled from the undersides of public bus seats. Excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Which means we’re on the right track. Go forth now, and make the world an excruciatingly awkward place.


Written by Thag

April 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm

2 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. I thought I was already an aficionado at making everyone around me excessively uncomfortable, but evidently not. But with your help I can achieve that goal.

    Highly amusing, well written.



    April 6, 2011 at 5:10 am

    • Another technique, which I didn’t explore, involves paying undue attention to the words of someone you don’t know, then hypercorrecting them, such as when they misuse the word “aficionado,” then hold forth at length on why they made the mistake, what forces in society are to blame, and what sweeping, patently irresponsible public policy would ensure that it does not recur. To wit:

      “Aficionado” means expert, yes, but not in the sense of doing something expertly; rather, in the sense of knowing about and appreciating something at a high level, such as music, art, bullfighting, coffee, booger sculpture, etc. But the difference between the expertise of the artist and the expertise of the aficionado is that the latter would never be expected to achieve what the former does. I blame Obama for weakening the worldwide English education system so thoroughly that even people who were long out of school when he entered office have such degraded English skills. We must impeach him, revoke his Nobel prize for Literature, and exile him to New Jersey.


      April 6, 2011 at 7:24 am

You got something to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s