Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Be Careful: Your Children Might Learn Something

with 2 comments

Hello, Mrs. Dawkins. This is George Dowd, of Fundamentalist Web Nanny. I’m calling about little Richard.

Oh, no, Mrs. Dawkins, it’s not what you think at all, but it is serious. Please understand this has nothing to do with what is euphemistically called “mature” web content. Also, please understand that we seldom contact our clients by phone. This is a matter of some urgency, so please hear me out.

As you know already, we provide weekly reports of your computer’s internet browser usage. I just made sure that in fact our reports have been sent to you in timely fashion. Have you been receiving them, Mrs. Dawkins? Good, good. Have you been reviewing them? Good. Now, I must ask: what have you been doing with the information?

It’s a simple question, Mrs. Dawkins. I’m sure you know that pornographic or violent content is not the only threat to a child’s emotional well-being – any person’s well-being, actually. But those are hardly the only kinds of content that can corrupt a developing personality. It is here that our concern lies, Mrs. Dawkins; we believe you have been glossing over this other kind of content once you have ascertained that nothing violent or inappropriately sexual comes up in the reports.

I’ll illustrate with an example from this week’s report: an extended visit to the Wikipedia entry for dinosaurs. Do you have any idea what kind of dangerous content lies there, Mrs. Dawkins? The entry maintains that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago, and we all know that the world cannot be older than approximately six thousand years; that’s clear from the Bible. Richard will get entirely the wrong idea, and begin to question tenets we all hold dear. In no time at all, Richard will be casting aside dearly held beliefs and traditions, even blaming those beliefs for society’s ills! Please be vigilant, Mrs. Dawkins.

Yes, it can come as quite a shock, I know; but we must continue. Last week’s report was but the latest in a trend when it comes to visits to sites offering recipes for vegans. Does Richard eat animal products at home, Mrs. Dawkins? Mm hmm. Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian? No? Well, now you do. Just some food for thought.

You might also have missed some visits to You Tube to see clips of Disney animated films. Be wary, Mrs. Dawkins: these films carry subversive, subliminal messages that will corrupt our youth. They should stick with inspiring, squeaky-clean Bible stories. What’s that? No, not the one about Sodom and Gomorrah; no, not the one about Jacob’s daughter; no, not the one about Elisha and the bears mauling the kids; no, not the one about Jesus making a fig tree wither for not having figs when it wasn’t fig season; no, not the parts about wiping out all the Canaanites and their women and children. Please, Mrs. Dawkins. I’m sure you can find suitable stories to share with Richard. Let us move on to the last part.

It seems Richard has been visiting sites that do not reflexively blame 9/11 on our society’s decaying morals. Yes, of course it was perpetrated by adherents of an inherently violent religion, but we have always tried to see the hand of God in current events – there’s nothing like the appearance of the Virgin Mary in refrigerator mold to restore a person’s faith! – and we must always wonder whether sin has some role in those tragic events. Mrs. Dawkins, we must not let Richard get the wrong idea about the world. Complexity and nuance are not something a child can handle very well. We must simplify things for him by making it clear that America was asking for 9/11 because America did not do enough to guard against insidious influences: homosexuality; illegal immigrants; removing prayer from schools; deleting “under God” from our pledge of allegiance; the teaching of evil-lution in schools; the grim list goes on.

Thank you for your attention, Mrs. Dawkins. I’m sure this conversation will bear fruit. Why, yes, of course it was an apple in Eden. What else could it be?


2 Responses

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  1. Please be assured that I am not a vegetarian and certainly not a vegan.


    April 6, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    • Please be assured I know your last name is not Dawkins.


      April 6, 2011 at 7:17 pm

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