Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Dear, the Laundry Room Is a Lousy Place for that Nuclear Waste

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*Sigh.* I’m getting tired of this, Leonard. I shouldn’t have to keep telling you that the laundry room is a lousy place to store spent nuclear fuel.

I know you work hard, dear. You come home every evening exhausted, and most of the time I suppress the urge to remind you of all the little tasks still waiting to get done. Well, we have some dinner, relax in front of the TV, and before we know it, it’s time for bed. It’s no wonder things sit around for months at a time. Still, this whole nuclear waste thing really shouldn’t wait any longer.

I also work hard, you know. It’s no picnic cleaning up after the kids, getting them ready for school, cooking every meal, washing dishes, doing laundry, keeping the place tidy and making sure everyone does chores and homework. Most days I feel like collapsing even before you get home, but I push myself, because those moments with just you are among the warmest ones I have, especially sitting so close to the radioactive waste.

Oh, I know there are a million things to do: we’ve got that fussy roof tile, the hedge needs trimming again, that tree in the back yard looks like it’s about to fall, and a dozen little hinges and joints around the house need to be adjusted and oiled. I get it. It makes so much more sense to deal with the active chores with a visible, tangible result, as compared with just finding a better place for the uranium-234 and americium-241.

Oh, don’t we have a better place to keep it? We barely use that second shed out back, and there should be plenty of room in there, between the old anthrax spores and the smallpox cultures. And I’ll admit I’m ashamed we have to do this with all the dead animals, but you could just discreetly dump it in the Assads’ pond. They’re not suspicious yet, unlike those Blix folks next door.

Remember when we had that garage sale last April, and we considered selling all the leftover uranium? For some reason we never got around to hauling it out of the laundry room and into the front yard. I think we could have gotten rid of the stuff, or at least a good bit of it. Susan Ellwood would have bought some at the drop of a hat – she’s always been a collector of odd junk. Since the radioactive waste is just taking up space here, it certainly would get better use over at Susan’s place. Remember all those glow-in-the-dark trinkets she sent with last year’s Christmas cards? I’m telling you, all that radium and thorium-232 would have made her life so much easier.

You know what? Maybe she still wants it. She’d appreciate the convenience, now that she’s getting married again and has less time for personal projects. Her fiancé is such a pleasant man. Mahmoud is his name, I think. Mahmoud Ahmadi-something. Yes, he’d appreciate the gesture, as well. I’ll give them a call right now.

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Written by Thag

March 27, 2011 at 3:06 pm

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