Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Dear Applicant: Go Soak Your Head

with one comment

Dear Mr. Gorman:

This kind of letter would normally begin with an expression of thanks for the applicant’s interest in our fine institution, followed by an expression of regret that we were unable to accommodate all applicants, and we respectfully inform the applicant, in as gentle terms as possible, that we have rejected the application. Then we would wish the applicant success in pursuing educational goals elsewhere.

However, in your case, following this procedure in good conscience proved well nigh impossible, as not a single member of our admissions committee in any way thought your application deserved even the small measure of gratitude that we normally associate with the receipt of applications from high school seniors. Nor did any committee members feel it necessary to couch our rejection of your application – dare we say our rejection of you as a human being – in gentle terms. Nor, for that matter, do any of us wish you success in pursuing educational goals anywhere, as we would not wish to inflict you on even our fiercest academic rivals.

For the sake of honesty, the committee elected to respond specifically to your application instead of issuing the perfunctory, pro forma rejection that the majority of the unsuccessful applicants will receive. Indeed, the committee found it galling that you would submit your application in the first place. Our institution prides itself on attracting some of the finest promising minds in the country. Your application, transcript and accompanying references leave us astounded that anyone, let alone an ambitious if imbecilic applicant, would agree to endorse your candidacy for a coveted spot in our class of 2016.

Although we had no doubts regarding your manifest incompetence as soon as we beheld your application and the accompanying essays, procedure forced us to give attention to the letters of recommendation from teachers, and we regret the experience. For we were horrified to discover that the atrocious grammar, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure that characterized your essays were echoed most jarringly in the recommendations that arrived separately from your mentors. We did briefly entertain the suspicion that you had composed the letters of recommendation yourself, but dismissed that notion almost immediately upon recalling the application itself, a document so riddled with incoherent, puerile expression as to rule out the applicant’s possession of the mental capacity required for such subterfuge.

We did discuss whether the entire application, references and all, might be part of an elaborate practical joke, and we have not completely eliminated that prospect from our minds, but the evidence points to genuine stupidity, cluelessness and entitlement on your part.

In fact the recommendations, if they even deserve that name, made clear in no uncertain terms that this institution would suffer mightily if it admitted you. Seldom, if ever, do we receive letters recommending we stay as far from a student as possible, so these made us take notice. All three letters, as brimming with errors as they were, nevertheless made clear that the writers considered you unworthy of the life you had been granted, a waste of space and resources, and, in one case, a candidate for retroactive abortion.

As you could imagine if such a thing were within your mental capabilities, which we doubt, such a description is not a frequently occurring one in this context. We therefore had no choice but to reject your application, and are still considering legal means by which to exact compensation for the horror to which you and your misguided guidance counselor, if any, have subjected us. We can only pray that you have confined your application to this institution, and have not forced other admissions committees to confront your atrocity of an application.

We wish you minimal contact with, and impact upon, other humans.

Sincerely,

The Admission Committee
Yale University

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Written by Thag

March 26, 2011 at 8:35 pm

One Response

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  1. wow, that was a comical read. Thanks for sharing.

    deanhansen

    March 27, 2011 at 8:01 am


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