Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Be Famous! Be an Imbecile!

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Do You Have What It Takes to Be in the News?

1. You are a Palestinian with some local influence. There’s a good chance your leadership can work non-violently to build international political pressure on Israel to relinquish enough territory for a viable state. You enable this peaceful strategy by:
a) Launching rocket and mortar attacks against Israeli towns.
b) Bombing Israeli bus stops.
c) Killing Israeli children in their beds, or at least cheering when it happens.
d) Smuggling weapons in from Iran.
e) All of the above.

2. You are a Middle Eastern dictator, in power for decades. Suddenly, the people begin making demands regarding transparency, democracy and rule of law. You engage your people’s loyalty and support by:
a) Equating democracy and rule of law with Islamic extremism.
b) Exhibiting unbridled arrogance and paternalism toward your citizens.
c) Making wild claims about  the motives and Al-Qaeda backing of your opponents.
d) Daring the West to humiliate you with their vastly superior weaponry, which they have done a number of times before quite effectively.
e) All of the above.

3.  Your OPEC-member South American nation depends on the American market for its petroleum exports. You develop this market by:
a) Cultivating strong ties with America-baiter Mahmoud Ahmadinijad.
b) Calling Muammar Qaddafi your friend.
c) Consistently siding with Palestinians against the US’s closest ally in the Middle East.
d) Attributing the lack of life on Mars to capitalism.
e) All of the above.

4.  You are a Republican New York Congressman. To bolster your patriotic credentials and increase your chances of reelection, you:
a) Pander to bigots by calling all Muslim Americans onto the carpet for supposed failure to denounce violence with sufficient vehemence.
b) Explain away your prior support for the terrorist group IRA by noting that they only targeted the British, who don’t count as allies or something.
c)  Alienate American Muslims, a growing voter constituency, by calling their patriotism into question.
d) Hold McCarthy-like hearings that only serve to emphasize your inconsistent values.
e) All of the above.

5. A group of Muslims has been praying regularly for years in a derelict building that happens to be within a few blocks of the World Trade Center site. In response to plans to transform their property into a full-fledged cultural center, you:
a) Smear an entire religion of 750,000,000 adherents based on the actions of 25.
b) Oppose the creation of the cultural center on such “hallowed ground,” while ignoring the presence in the same hallowed area of strip clubs and other questionable establishments.
c) Attempt to prevent the center’s construction by calling for the building’s designation as a landmark, although no one seemed to care about that building before the center was proposed, and other nearby buildings damaged on 9/11 have been demolished with no objection from you.
d)  All of the above.

6. The scientific method, unerring bedrock of Western industrial and commercial dominance over the last two centuries, points to conclusions that make some of your constituents uncomfortable. As a member of Congress, you:
a) Grasp at straws to try to undermine the solid scientific consensus over global warming.
b) Cling to a literal, Creationist view regarding evolution and the origins of the universe.
c) Attempt to force schools to teach alternatives to Darwinian theory, despite the complete absence of scientifically supportable alternatives.
d) Accept gifts from pharmaceutical and commercial interests while claiming to base your legislative agenda solely on factual considerations.
e) All of the above.

7. While society at large has shown increasing acceptance of homosexuals, your religious or social sensibilities do not square with that trend. You:
a) Claim not to oppose homosexuals per se, but the homosexual lifestyle, whatever the hell that is.
b) Tout the critical need to maintain Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, despite no evidence that it works, or is even necessary.
c) Defend the institution of marriage, which doesn’t seem to be in such hot shape under the aegis of heterosexuals in the first place, what with 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce.
d) In the face of all evidence to the contrary, assert that a homosexual orientation is a choice.
e) All of the above.

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