Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Where Can I Get A Degree in Antisocial Work?

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I never had an idea what do be when I grew up, but some careers I knew I didn’t want: whale inseminator; the guy whose job was to mop the basketball court of Patrick Ewing’s sweat; or sports arena beer vendor, to name just a few. Social worker ranks high on that list.

I have nothing but respect for social workers, mind you. They do critical work, and get precious little recognition or recompense for it. Social workers tend to know how to listen, show real empathy and help people through exceedingly trying circumstances. So my avoidance of that career path stems entirely from my incompatibility with it.

However, I would excel at the position of antisocial worker, if any such position became available. My skills include the production of myriad rude sounds; an exquisite sense of timing vis-à-vis when to make said sounds; a colorful, creative vocabulary; a knack for finding something to mock viciously in anyone; and the ability to sneer emphatically.

I have also cultivated arrogant obtuseness, not to mention the sense that whatever I am involved in at the moment must perforce be more important that whatever someone else wants me to do, so everyone else will just have to wait. This could come in handy if the position requires, for example, putting trauma victims on hold, or getting all annoyed that I have to interrupt my crossword puzzle yet again for some whiny little abuse victim who probably asked for it in the first place.

To demonstrate how well prepared I am for such a role, I have even solicited letters of recommendation from former associates and employers attesting to my talent for pissing people off at the most inopportune, horrifyingly offensive moments – such as when I burst into the room where the organization director was meeting with a big potential donor, and set off a stink bomb. These letters were ridiculously easy to obtain. They look all nice and official, too, with all sorts of lawyerly, court order stuff on them.

But back to antisocial work. I’m your guy if what you want is aloofness, callous disregard for feelings and impatience with expressions of emotion. So if you know of anyone hiring, please pass my name along.

With my skills, I suppose I could try IT support, too. Tech support people seem to have the same impatience for stupidity. I can tell because when I call them up to ask about the field as a career choice, they yell at me for wasting their time. QED.

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Written by Thag

March 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

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