Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Dear Alumnus: Give Us Money in Exchange for This Ugly Magazine

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Dear Alumnus,

It has been an exciting year at St. Ignoramus University: a new president, renovated facilities and an invigorated campaign to involve our loyal alumni in on-campus affairs. We trust that this letter finds you as enthusiastic about the future as we are.

Dr. Rudolph de Redneaux Eréndière assumed the duties of President on the first of February and immediately transformed the atmosphere on campus by barring the use of air conditioners or heaters in offices, classrooms, dorm rooms and communal facilities such as cafeterias and auditoriums. In a single warm afternoon, Dr. de Redneaux Eréndière thus gave the lie to claims that St. Ignoramus could not hold its own in comparison to the stuffy likes of Yale and Harvard.

In December, the university inaugurated its refurbished athletic facilities in venerable Luddite Hall, furnishing students with state-of-the-art jump ropes, in addition to an ever-changing, ever-growing obstacle course consisting of dining hall food scraps and chemistry lab refuse.

The Michael Jackson School of Liberal Arts and Social Sciences celebrated its grand reopening in January, welcoming back all the students who recovered from inhaling toxic fumes there the previous semester. In recognition of their devotion, the entrance features a plaque and a modern sculpture inspired by the chemical structure of the compounds that eroded their bronchial tubes.

But of course one of St. Ignoramus University’s principal strengths lies in its active alumni, who remain in continual contact with the goings-on on campus and strive to give successive generations of students the opportunities they enjoyed during their own time here. In December, the university was thrilled to host an afternoon with prominent graduates of our dear alma mater: Michael Tyson, relationship counselor; Roger Clemens, renowned expert on controlled substances; Idi Amin Dada, therapeutic touch clinician; and John Galliano, cultural sensitivity trainer, among many others. Our current and former students got to rub shoulders with some of St. Ignoramus’s most storied and accomplished alumni, and of course gained inspiration to last a lifetime.

Naturally, all of these endeavors require the continued financial support of our loyal graduates. You need not be told about he expenses associated with running a top-flight academic institution; but even St. Ignoramus needs funds. We invite you to contribute to our annual campaign, so that the next generation of underachievers can rise to the mediocrity for which we so adequately prepare them, just as you benefited from the apathy, hostility and petty rivalries of our somewhat esteemed faculty.

Please, help us nurture the next class of students. Enclosed you will find a half-assed brochure with the humdrum stories of our typical students. Help us transform them into people capable of turning a performance of our national anthem into an epic failure on national television. Help us continue to nudge our students along the path to questionable careers in fields of mystifyingly resilient weltschmerz.

Yours truly,

Belle Wether
President Alumni Association
St. Ignoramus University


Written by Thag

March 8, 2011 at 9:41 pm

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