Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Here’s Your Menu; the Smoking Section is Across Town

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Chez Guevara

Where Your Discomfort Comes First

Starters ($8)

Furtive glances at amputee at adjacent table
Mysterious odor from kitchen
Irritating ring tones
Loud, inappropriate neighboring conversation
Stubborn grease stain on table
Unsightly mark from leaky roof
Hard-of-hearing waiter

Soups ($7)
Served with sneers

Dining companion who makes a scene
Horribly messy spill
Pointing and whispering from table across the room
Suicidal fly
Getting garment caught and ripped on corner of chair

Entrées ($21 )
Served with your choice of patently disingenuous concern or blatantly cynical disillusionment

Incompetent, badly executed nose-blowing
Awkward blind date
Food poisoning
Allergies to key elements of meal
Companion who claims to be on a diet
Constantly getting elbowed by the person next to you
Wheezing, snorting laughter at adjacent table
Swarm of gnats

Children’s Menu ($8)

Poking
Being on “my” side of the invisible dividing line
How come she gets a yellow cup and I get a boring old brown one?
Food fight
Ketchup all over my shirt

Wine List

1996 Atlanta Braves Swoon
1997 Construction on the FDR Drive
1997 Detroit Blight
1998 Steroid Allegations
1998 Six Papercuts from a Single Sheet
1998 Construction on the FDR Drive
1999 Construction on the FDR Drive
1999 Invincible Bathroom Mildew
2000 Construction on the FDR Drive
2000 Wedgie-Prone Briefs
2001 Construction on the BQE
2001 Caught Speeding
2001  Afghanistan
2002 Construction in Afghanistan
2002 Iraqi Chemical Weapons Program “Slam Dunk”
2003 Destruction, Construction in Iraq
2004 Construction on the FDR Drive
2004 New York Yankees Swoon
2005 Mideast Peace in Our Time
2006 More Mideast Peace in Our Time
2006 Construction on the BQE
2007 Irredeemably Ugly Driver’s License Photo
2007 Construction on the BQE
2007 Leaky Bathroom Faucet
2008 More Mideast Peace in Our Time
2008 Big Loser in Atlantic City
2008 Vomit-Inducing Halloween Costume
2008 Construction on FDR Drive
2009 Mishap with Hair Dye
2009 Cat Hairballs in Roof Gutter
2009 Construction on FDR Drive
2010 Krispy Kreme Displaces Local Dunkin Donuts
2010 Construction on BQE
2010 More Mideast Peace in Our Time
2010 Still Haven’t Won the Lottery

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Written by Thag

March 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

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