Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

No, I Don’t Think Lice Are Edible, Sir

with 2 comments

Step right up! Step right up! Get your chicken pox right here! Get it while it’s still contagious!

You don’t want to wait until the host’s body develops antibodies and the sores crust over; no, sir, you want to expose your loved ones while the exposin’ is good! All you parents of little ones, come on down!

Oh, I know you think you should have had little Theodora immunized; it’s certainly easier to have that done than lose a week’s worth of child illness days off work down the line. But you know as well as I that you’ll never get around to having it done, so now’s the time to get the whole thing over with.

Not interested in my toddler’s chicken pox? Well, how about his lice? Oh, these are special lice, ma’am. We didn’t even know he had them until a couple of days ago, on account of all the chicken pox. We thought he was just scratching the sores on his head. But there we were, sitting outside at the fish & chips place waiting for lunch, and what do I behold but three little creepy crawlies making their merry way down his head. Just like that. So the missus and I spent a few minutes picking out those little critters by hand until the food came. You don’t think it’s a big deal to leave the little mites on the ground in a public area, do you? Well, we do like to share, you know. Hey, why d’ya think we were out in public with a highly contagious virus incubator in the first place?

I see you’re looking for something a bit more refined, madam. That’s why I’m pleased to offer you something special: my wife’s athlete’s foot. That’s right! Not only do we have available a virus related to herpes and a case of parasitic bloodsucking scalp vermin; we can also offer you, at discount rates, spores of fungus to make  the flesh between your toes itch, burn, crack and peel. Where else in the civilized world can you find such a selection? Even the Home Depot doesn’t stock chicken pox, and their athlete’s foot quality is dubious at best – probably imported from China.

I know the Chinese usually do disease pretty well – that’s where we got avian flu and bubonic plague, after all – but you can’t just assume that everything they make over there will go the distance. Specifically, the distance between the patient and the person the patient is supposed to infect. So you have to do some quality control yourself – and here you have it, before your very eyes: clinical conditions of demonstrably superior quality. These little bugs managed to persist on the little one’s scalp through three or four combings, and we have a heck of a lice comb. These are the lice you want to get behind.

So, any takers?

Don’t all shout out at once. Hey, where y’all going?


Written by Thag

March 6, 2011 at 5:09 pm

2 Responses

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  1. so, um…I think we’re gonna stay in a hotel…


    March 6, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    • You should start that sentence with a capital letter. Not that I mean to nitpick…


      March 6, 2011 at 7:36 pm

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