Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Winner of the Nobel Prize for Cheating

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Let’s revoke Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize if it emerges he used performance-enhancing drugs to do whatever it is he did.

OK, so Obama is probably a bad example of the phenomenon, primarily because he did bugger-all to earn the prize, other than not being George W. Bush. I, too, have spent upwards of thirty-five years not being George W. Bush, but somehow the Nobel committee overlooked that achievement. You’d have quite a time trying to demonstrate that, say, anabolic steroids played a role in that.

There’s Henry Kissinger, of course, but I don’t think drugs do anything to him other than keep him awake – and even then, it’s hard to know. How about Arafat? Well, we would have to consider his co-recipients that year, Peres and Rabin, but I don’t think the three can be accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs so much as mind-altering ones. In Kool-Aid, probably. But I do not believe the Nobel committee ought to consider disqualifying a candidate for such recreational activities, except perhaps in literature.

Because in literature we wish to give citation to the creative genius behind a work, and that creativity ought to come naturally, by which I do not mean from certain varieties of mushroom. However, considering the political undertones that the literature award often carries, one can only assume that the pharmaceutical proclivities of literature prize awardees will be overlooked when the august body wishes to send a political message (“legalize glue sniffing”).

But back to peace – which, of course, Rabin, Peres and Arafat clearly achieved, serving to explain why we never hear of any more serious problems over in this part of the world – you have to suspect the International Red Cross, which has received a number of Nobel prizes through the years. Consider, for instance, that a large part of what they do revolves around drugs! They’re natural suspects for this kind of thing: they have the access, the pressure to perform, the accolades that might motivate cheating a little. Oh, so they might save a few more lives that way. Whoop-dee-doo. What lives are those, exactly? A bunch of Sudanese? Rwandans? Impoverished Haitians or Burmese? Since when do people genuinely care about them, again? I’m trying to recall the last time sending Western troops in to protect the populace of some one-horse mudhole ended happily. I can think of Afghanistan, Somalia and Iraq (Albania and Bosnia don’t count because they have at least three horses), but no real success stories come to mind.

Now where was I? Right. Performance-enhancing drugs. We might also discuss whether and how such drugs play a role in a candidate’s work toward the prizes in medicine, physics, chemistry and economics, but frankly, I don’t have the energy. I think I need more caffeine in my system.

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Written by Thag

February 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

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