Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

More Helpful Advice for You Kids to Ignore

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1. Gravity always wins. Playing at the edge of a raised surface is courting pain. Do not be so surprised when you fall.

2. Bothering people only works to generate friendship in made-up stories. In real life, it makes people not want to play with you. The whole I’ll-annoy-her-because-I-like-her routine is so passé.

3. Whining makes your parents less willing to give you attention, not more. If it does work, the attention will be grudging. That’s a good word to know, by the way; see number 6.

4. When admonished not to engage in certain behavior or else, there is no need to test the validity of the equation; you will not enjoy the result. Hey, what did we just tell you?!

5. Playing with things that do not belong to you will only cause problems. Yes, that includes your sister’s art project.

6. Adults outside the family are always impressed by children who know good words. Here are a few to practice: obstreperous; simultaneity, putrefaction; obviate; canard.

7. We have heard that joke before. Yes, that one, too. And that one. We might tolerate hearing it from you once, but trust us: it lost its humorous power decades ago.

8. When the TV commercial says that the cereal it touts is “part of a complete breakfast,” that means it does not provide everything you need. Stop requesting it for every meal.

9. Chairs have a seat designed for the human tush. When using a chair, keep your tush on the seat.

10. Chairs have a front and back. When using a chair, orient your feet, legs and body toward the front of the chair, and not toward the person sitting next to you.

11. Lying on the kitchen floor is an excellent way to get kicked, stepped on, spilled on, bumped or otherwise hurt. It is not so effective at getting you positive attention.

12. If your parent says it is cold outside and you must wear a jacket, you must wear a jacket. You may pout and stomp your way to your destination to demonstrate your displeasure with the ruling, but you will nevertheless comply; refer to number 4.

13. Making your parents repeat themselves is a surefire way to poison the next five minutes of interaction with them (that means it’s something you shouldn’t do; just so you know).

14. Taking your parents scolding or instructions literally in order to find loopholes will not have a happy ending, no matter how many junky snacks you end up with as a result.

15. Do as I say, don’t do as I do. “Hypocrite” is also a good word.

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Written by Thag

February 20, 2011 at 2:59 pm

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