Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

88% of American Mothers Agree You’d Better Clean Your Room

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WASHINGTON (AP) – In a study release this week by the Department of the Interior, nearly nine tenths of American mothers hold the opinion that you had better clean your room right now.

The study, which surveyed mothers in all fifty states, solicited the responses of over 1200 mothers, ages 30 to 55. The margin for error was irrelevant, since mothers are always right.

Colleen Davis, the study’s lead author and mother of three, noted that the results of this survey showed an increase over previous years: up to 88% from 85% and 82% in 2009 and 2008, respectively. “Mothers are getting progressively more fed up with the filth and obstacle course that just get worse and worse every time we look,” said Davis. She added that your laundry piles were especially unsettling, with no clear distinction between clean and dirty.

The figure of 88% brings the 2010 results short of the all-time high of 99%, first recorded in 1941 and repeated for the next twenty years. In the 1960s the figure began to slip, hitting a low of just 48% in 1973, when your room was occupied by a succession of those lovely Mueller boys, who always knew how to please their mother, unlike a certain teenager whose name will go unmentioned. The Muellers moved out in 1974, and the numbers held steady through the 1980s while the Emerson girls took turns using it. Once your family began to occupy the house, each year has seen an increase in the percentage of mothers who demand that you clean your room this instant.

Eugenia Del Vecchio, who was not involved in the study, said that the numbers seem reliable in light of your propensity for snacking in there at all hours and paying no attention to the accruing odor of sweaty socks and underwear. She questioned only minor details of the report, but agreed with the overall thrust: that you live like a pig. “I would have liked to see a finer distinction among the levels of urgency expressed, such as ‘immediately, if not sooner,’ ‘this minute’and ‘this instant,’ but I think the study more or less paints an accurate picture of the sentiments,” she said. The look of disgust was plain on her face when she beheld the random papers strewn about what used to be a desk.

A small but vocal opposition to the results has emerged from expected quarters. You, for example, do not see the urgency or necessity of cleaning your room. “If you don’t like it, stay out,” you are heard to say, not mentioning that you prefer to keep prying maternal eyes away from your stash of decidedly inappropriate magazines.

The team proposes to follow up this study with a survey of mothers’ attitudes toward your choices of snack foods.

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Written by Thag

February 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

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