Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Your Kitchen Was an Inside Job!

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Step right up! Step right up! Get your freshly generated celebrity rumors right here!

You, sir! Would you like to get your hands on purported monkey business between Lindsay Lohan and a pack of sewer rats? We have that! Vaguely suggestive photos doctored in support of a Sasquatch inhabiting the Washington Monument in the company of a slimmed-down, youthful Elvis? You got it! And for less than you might think!

Hey, I’m no fool when it comes to this kind of thing; been around the block, you might say. I know my kind doesn’t have a reputation for journalistic excellence, and I’ll be the first to admit it’s largely justified. But I know this stuff sells, as surely as Charlie Sheen will get in trouble again. Next time, in fact, it’ll involve a nest of poisonous spiders on amphetamines! You heard it here first!

That was your free sample, mind you; the really meaty, compelling stuff – new revelations about the Jonbenet Ramsey case, for example – can only be had for a price. Hey, I gotta maintain my competitive edge. I’m out here all the time, putting in a solid day’s work plugging this stuff, and it’s brutal. I know you find your life pretty brutal too, sometimes, which is why you need to escape into this sensational item about a UFO, piloted by a Hitler clone, wiping out an entire village in rural Korea. Come on, don’t tell me you’re not at least a little interested. And that’s all it takes.

This stuff is gold, I tell you; you can’t beat its appeal. You’ll forget all about your mortgage when you read about the real-life Hannibal Lecter running the Girl Scouts (Girl Scout cookies, indeed). Your impending foreclosure will fade into insignificance while you’re immersed in this story on the most popular web sites for your cats to visit while you’re out of the house. Your delinquency in alimony payments will recede into the back of your consciousness when you behold clumsily photoshopped images of Princess Di very much alive and well, living the good private life somewhere in Uzbekistan.

So come on. You know you want it. As sure as 9/11 was an inside job.

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Written by Thag

February 15, 2011 at 3:31 pm

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