Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Happy *Cough* Cough* Valentine’s *Cough* *Cough* Day

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Wow, isn’t that just lovely? How did you get the cigarette smoke to come out of your nostrils in just that fashion?

I’m blown away, if you’ll excuse the pun. I had always thought that voluntarily inhaling and exhaling a mixture of tar, nicotine, smoke and various other harmful materials had little in the way of aesthetic appeal. But rowrr! You, sir, have just proved me wrong!

I have been wrong all these years to frown on people who display little regard for their health; I have misjudged the importance of the joy one gets from engaging in such activity, importance that far outweighs the disease, cardiovascular damage, impaired senses of smell and taste, and just plain yuckiness of the habit.

Is there some sort of ceremony to undergo now that I’m a convert? Should I immerse myself three times in a tub of saturated fats? Circumcise myself with a butane lighter? Take communion with lead-laced wine and salmonella-infested wafer? What does our deity, Baal Philip Morris, ordain? Wait, lemme guess: it involves a monetary offering, preferably twice a day, for the rest of my shortened life. Or a burnt offering every few minutes. Am I good, or what?

Addictive behavior is just an idea to me, so I don’t really know how to go about relating to all you smokers now that I no longer think of you as irresponsible, stinky, short-sighted, inconsiderate bastards with no self control. Would it help if I accompanied you outside in the freezing weather for your smoking break instead of continuing to do the work we’re all supposed to be doing? How should I deal with the omnipresent stench that settles upon clothes, furnishings and hair that have been hanging out with a smoker? Or do you have no idea what I mean? I suppose if I spend more time in your company the question will cease to have relevance rather quickly. At least for me; my family and other friends might still retain olfactory abilities, but I won’t have a clue what they’re yammering on about.

But back to that nose smoke. That’s just irresistible. It’s dragon-like. The sexiness and virility it radiates are on par with sticking an automobile tailpipe in there, minus the obstacle of getting the thing in. The casting of caution to the wind has always been romantic and adventurous, so what could be more romantic and adventurous than sustained and total disregard for one’s well-being? Funny, though, I’m still waiting for a satisfactory answer to why you don’t spend time with your date jumping off the roofs of skyscrapers. No rush, though; you’ve got plenty of time to think during the time your nicotine-starved receptors quickly negate your brain’s ability to function until plugged by more nicotine.

Associated with this change in world view is the realization that I don’t really need all that money for anything else, and the tobacco companies, with all those employees to pay, need my disposable income more than I. How much a does a pack cost these days? On a yearly basis, that’s a good chunk of change those American heroes at Marlboro can put to good use. Even if I don’t smoke, I can at least send regular checks their way.

But if I really want to secure those companies’ future, I should actively encourage kids to take up smoking. America is good at producing sexy people, and what could be sexier than a newly christened adult who already has the habit? Rowr indeed.

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Written by Thag

February 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

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