Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Have a Seat on the Couch, Please, While I Laugh at You

with 2 comments

When I grow up I want to be a psychiatrist, or a therapist of some sort. Maybe just a social worker. Anything, really, that will allow me to work with the less fortunate. That way, I don’t have to go looking for people who can make me feel good about myself.

See, it’s not about the clients at all; if it were, why would I bother? As if all those pathetic wretches are worth my time and energy. I don’t need to sit there, listening to some prole drone on and on about her strained relationship with her mother, unless I get something out of the arrangement. And since precious few therapists make truckloads of money in the profession, there had better be some enjoyment in it for me.

At the very least, my clients will provide me with enough fodder for feeling exalted merely by contrasting their problems with my own trouble-free existence. As a baseline, that’s pretty good. But I’m certain I can do better than that.

For one thing, there’s comedy gold in all that dysfunction. It just wouldn’t do to encounter so much of it and not mine it for all the attention-getting mockery I can manage. Nothing makes people laugh more than when they can feel superior to others – as I well know. So all I need to do is practice a few impressions of my more pathetic patients, and presto! Instant life of the party! My patients will do me the big favor of providing all the rich material, too, so I don’t even have to strain to be original!

Even that level of exploitation, however, is bush league. If the literature has it right, I can bet on a good bit of transference and countertransference. That’s right – I can get laid and get paid for it! And here’s the kicker – insurance companies will cover it! What’s not to like?

I do have to be careful, I know; for some reason, the various professional associations and boards frown on such liaisons. I don’t know what their problem is. Probably jealous of my good looks or something. The people running that show probably never grew out of the dorkwad status they had back in junior high, and are just as envious as ever of the more skilled, the better endowed and the cooler. I’ll just have to be discreet, to avoid all the hassle.

And here’s the icing on the psychiatric cake: I can write a book full of advice, or of reflection, and insecure dolts will buy it. All it takes these days to make a bestseller, it seems, is initials after the author’s name and a willing publisher. That means more attention, more money and more getting laid.

So it’s a good thing – for me, anyway – that I’m well adjusted. Can you imagine what goes on when screw-ups go into this line of work?


Written by Thag

February 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

2 Responses

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  1. ….and if you do get caught in an unethical liaison…not only will your liability insurance pay for your defense….you can blame the client by saying they are delusional and distorting the facts of the situation…no worries…you are the “professional” and the “dorkwads” in the legal system and on licensing boards give you maximum credibility!
    Job done well! KUDOS!


    February 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    • Hey! No fair! You stole my idea!

      I ask you, is that ethical?

      Oh, wait.


      February 12, 2011 at 9:56 pm

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